I refused to waste any more time. “Want to explain to me what the hell is going on in your head?” I snapped at Neil, and, of course, he just kept silent the way he always did when I tried to have a conversation with him. Instead, he just got out of the bed and pulled himself up to his full height. For a moment, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.
“What exactly is unclear to you? I have to finish my internship, and I still have another six months to go before I can try for my license.” He walked over to the small closet space where a few articles of clothing were hung up. He grabbed a white hoodie and began pulling it on using only his left hand. He could have asked me for help, but he didn’t.
Even then, a swelling of pure love urged me to go to him and hug him and show him that I’d never let him leave me again. But the last, final bit of my pride that I guarded so jealously would not allow me to do that.
“Are you going back to Chicago? When? Tomorrow? Today? Couldn’t you stay here a little longer with your family?” My voice came out as a wheeze. I could have said it better, could have sounded more determined, but the pain was too strong to be ignored. Just talking calmly to him was exhausting.
“My family?” he echoed, not looking at me. He grabbed a bag out of the closet and put it on the bed, stuffing the rest of his things inside. “I don’t have a family. I’m not going to forgive my mother. I can’t go back to living with her and Matt. My siblings can come see me any time they want, though.” His unzipped hoodie left his chest exposed, and I examined the bandage there. Neil’s motions were too quick and sharp; he was ignoring the doctor’s warnings. If he continued acting like an idiot, he was going to tear his stitches.
“And what about me? What about us? Are we back to the same old thing, Neil? Are you going to dump me because my mother has filled your head with her fears?” I moved closer to him, drawing from deep inside myself to find the strength to face him.
“There hasn’t been an us since the day I graduated. Sure, your mother was part of it, but it would have happened either way. You know that because I’ve been telling you right from the beginning. Did you think I was lying? I can’t give you the things you want. A person like me with the issues that I have…I can’t give you a normal relationship.” His right hand shook as he zipped up the bag. He glanced around, searching for his cigarettes and phone. As soon as he spotted them, he tucked them into his pants pockets. He was doing everything he could to avoid meeting my eyes. Why? Was he that afraid to show me a moment of vulnerability? Was he afraid that Iwould dig down deep inside him and make him see that this choice was the wrong one for both of us?
“Oh really? So there is no us, then? Shall I remind you that you told me that I am what you think of when you think of love? Do you think I’m stupid, Neil? Do you think I haven’t figured out that you also have strong feelings for me? I saw it that night I was so sick and again when everything went down with Ryan. Goddammit, look at me when I’m talking to you!” I shouted, reaching the limits of my patience.
When he finally turned to look me in the eye, all my noble intentions of not showing any weakness and standing strong against him faltered.
My knees threatened to give way as he stepped toward me, eventually stopping right in front of me. I lifted my face to look at him, and he stroked my cheek.
“It’s done now, Selene. And you’re free. When you were lying in that hospital bed after Ryan nearly killed you, I swore to you that I’d always protect you and that I’d always be there for you, even if it couldn’t be in the way you wanted most. My life is somewhere else now, and yours is in Detroit. It’s with your mom and your friends and your studies. When I’m gone, you’ll finally be able to have some peace again.” His stare was so powerful and so intense that it made me tremble. “And I remember everything I said but I thought I was dying, Selene. I thought I was never going to see you again, and it was my last chance to tell you how important you were to me…how important you still are to me.” He continued gently cupping my face, and I just couldn’t understand him. His words said he didn’t want me in his life, but his eyes were screaming that he loved me. He bit down on his lower lip, obviously fighting back the urge to kiss me. He wanted to do it, and I wanted him to do it, but still, something inside held him back.
Neil did not believe himself capable of being with me. He was too afraid of letting me down. He still believed I couldn’t possibly want to make a life with him, despite the fact that I knew about his problems and accepted him. I’d even talked with him about maybe getting back on medication to help control them. I would have stayed by his side, though, even if he decided to never go back to therapy, but he couldn’t stomach the thought of making me a part of his everyday life. For him, it was freakish, wrong, and shameful to do so.
I closed my eyes, savoring his affectionate touch.
“If you choose to go back to Chicago, I will interpret that as you choosing Megan as well. You’re going to go back there and live with her, and she’s going to try to get with you like she already did once before, and I can’t take it.” I broke the spell of his touch, shoving his hand away. His face remained serious and unmoved, like nothing could rattle him. “I can’t deal with you living with her for another six months and coming back to me whenever you feel like it. So, if you walk out that door, if you decide to leave, then I’ll end this thing between us myself. Because I deserve better. After everything I’ve been through with you, I deserve a second chance too, and if you don’t want to give that to me, then I’ll have to say goodbye and move on.” My heart cracked a little more with every word.
I would never forget him; I would never be able to move on. His absence would be a wound that I carry with me for the rest of my life. But I had no other choice; I couldn’t keep chasing after someone who only wanted to get away from me.
Neil remained silent, and I stared up at him in mute distress.
The space between us felt heavy with unexpressed feelings and desires that neither of us had the courage to name.
Because loving required a great deal of courage, and I was finally understanding that Neil had none.
“Good luck, Selene,” was all he said. He grabbed his bag and brushed past me, refusing to even glance at me. He couldn’t face reality and the huge mistake he was making.
I knew he would regret this one day, but by then, it would be too late.
I squeezed my eyes shut and dug my fingernails into my palms in an attempt to hold still, but in the end, I had to speak.
“Please—rethink this,” I said, reaching out to clutch his arm.
“Selene, don’t.” He jerked out of my grasp and once again avoided my eyes. I knew he was refusing to look at me because he too knew that he was making a stupid, wrong decision. I knew that we could tackle his fears together; all he had to do was accept what he felt for me and understand that he couldn’t run from love. The fabric of his hoodie slid through my fingers as he walked out the door, leaving me alone with nothing but hissmell to fill a vast emptiness that I knew would be inside me for a long, long time.
There was nothing for me to do but let him go. I stood there in that room, ruminating over our conversation for several minutes, until I heard footsteps and looked over to see Megan’s tall boots. I didn’t look into her triumphant face. Neil was not the spoils of war or some trinket to be fought over.
Honestly, since she was so perfect, she should have known better than to stand there and rub her happiness in my face.
I lifted my head to show her that I wasn’t afraid of her either, but in complete contrast to my imaginings, there was no smug satisfaction on her face. Just a quiet understanding that had me stunned. I realized that perhaps I could take this moment to actually talk to her, woman to woman.
“Okay, listen to me Megan. And please do it without interrupting,” I said, and she narrowed her eyes warily at me. She didn’t urge me to go on but neither did she seem uninterested in what I had to say. “Neil loves pistachios,” I began. “He’ll eat them any time, except first thing in the morning. It’s a good idea to always have some around. His favorite colors are black and cobalt blue. If you give him clothes in those colors, he might actually wear them. He loves The Neighbourhood—just hearing one of their songs puts him in a better mood. He sketches to relax, and he keeps his drawings in a notebook that he never lets anyone see. He hides it among the rest of his books like a little kid, but you shouldn’t touch it without asking, because he’ll probably get mad at you. He loves it when you play with his hair and goes wild when you kiss his neck. These things make him happier and calmer. Try to be patient when he has an outburst and when he spends a really long time in the shower and definitely when his right hand gets shaky. He smokes way too much. Get him to quit if you can or at least get him to cut back. He loves literature and philosophy, especially Bukowski and Schopenhauer. He needs something physical, usually boxing, to help him deal with the nightmares, so don’t be surprised if he gets up and trains early in the morning. You have to learn how to read his eyes. He’s not good at expressing himself verbally, but if you look in his eyes, you’ll find all the answers he can’t give in words. Love him as he is because that is what he needs more than anything: to be loved. Hold on to him because he’s a special person and deeperthan anyone knows, and when you’re…” I choked, feeling nauseous at the thought of what I was about to say. But I took a deep breath and continued. “When you’re in bed together, try not to be on top of him. He hates that position because it reminds him too much of Kim. Just…take good care of him, Megan.” I swiped the back of my hand across one cheek while she stared at me in shock. I inhaled shakily, trying not to collapse on the spot. Not in front of her.
I didn’t wait to hear what she had to say. I didn’t need to.
Instead, with all the feigned confidence I could muster, I walked out of the room and out of the hospital, and a few hours later, I got on the first flight back to Detroit.
28
