Selene didn’t want me in her life anymore, and she hadn’t been shy about telling me that.
So I wouldn’t chase after her. Instead, I would respect her choice. After all, that was exactly what I’d wanted all along.
I used her; she used me… We were using each other, and we both knew that we had an expiration date.
“How come you look so perfect even first thing in the morning?” Jennifer’s drowsy voice brought me back to the moment. She, like many of my lovers, insisted on elevating me above other men, despite the fact that I’d never put her on a similar pedestal.
I took a long drag from my Winston and gave Jennifer a frosty look. She responded by licking my bicep, tracing the lines of the toki with her tongue. Then she grinned impishly up at me, perhaps convinced that I’d be turned on by her bold overture.
I looked her right in the eyes, squinting ever so slightly. Her eyes were blue and bright, but they were not limpid. There was no ocean in them.
They did not make me think of a field of cornflowers at dawn; they were neither shy nor sweet.
They weren’t my Tinkerbell’s eyes.
And there I was thinking about her again.
I moved Jennifer’s leg off me with a growl of irritation and sat up. This turmoil inside me was impossible to soothe, and I didn’t understand why.
That girl was not supposed to have that kind of power over me.
No one fucking was.
I ran one hand through my disheveled hair. The other held a cigarette that wasn’t remotely calming me down. My mood was decidedly bleak.
Alexia dug her elbow into the mattress and rested her chin on her palm, looking at me with an arched eyebrow. I was sweaty; I didn’t smell like bath gel. I wasn’t clean in the way I usually was.
I felt dirty both inside and out.
“Shit,” I muttered to myself.
Feeling antsy, I clambered over Alexia’s slim body and got out of the bed. I clamped my cigarette between my lips as I pulled off the condom I still wore.
I was clean underneath: no climax, no cum.
Damn it, that was another reason why I’d returned to my old habits: I wanted to see if I was truly cured, if I’d really gotten over my inability to orgasm. I wanted to test myself, to prove that I could reach just as strong a sexual climax with other people as I had with Babygirl, but the experiment had been a total failure. I’d been able to do it with Selene, though it had been difficult, and yet with two hot and skilled women in my bed, I hadn’t managed it.
My body had tensed up, had gotten right up to the pinnacle of arousal, and then it refused to release the tension.
What is my fucking problem?
“I’m going to take a shower. Get dressed and leave. I want you gone when I get back.” Was all I said as I stubbed out my Winston. My right hand had started to shake, and I tried to hide it. Neither of them knew anything about my problems, and they weren’t going to either.
I turned around only to find them giving me the usual fawning looks that I couldn’t stand.
I hated being watched with heart eyes, like I was the very best sex toy on the market, like I’d put on the best performance they’d ever had between their legs. Or like I was some dream lover who could fulfill all their fantasies.
I was just another bastard, nothing more and nothing less.
“Well, good morning to you too, you little ray of sunshine,” Alexia teased. I ignored her.
I went to the bathroom immediately. I couldn’t breathe the air in that room anymore. It reeked of a mixture of sex and the kind of fruity, too-fucking-girlie perfumes that I could also detect on my own body.
“Nice ass, Miller!” Jennifer called out with a laugh.
I shook my head as I slammed the door behind me, heading straight for the shower. Then, I halted and turned around, determined to make the situation clear for them.
“Jen, I’m serious. I want you out of here in five minutes!” I raised my voice and pounded my fist on the closed door to emphasize my point. “Do you hear me? Five fucking minutes!” I repeated angrily. I forced myself to keep my distance because I knew I didn’t have any self-control when I was too agitated, and the only thing to do then was to either stand way back or lock myself up somewhere like a rabid beast.
