“I never wanted to use you. I know you don’t deserve that. I know what you’ve been through.” I squeezed the coffee cup tightly before tossing it intact into the trash can. I was still nauseated by the same poison that had been killing me for days.
“Look, I already told you what I think, Neil,” she murmured. I stared blankly out the window at the sky. It was a sky I didn’t even recognize anymore, like I didn’t belong on this world beneath it. “I really think you shouldtry again with your siblings. And with John and with…” Her long fingers grazed my shoulder, and I sucked in a breath. Just a few days before, her nails had been digging passionately into my flesh like she was trying to tear my back open. Yet now I flinched, bothered by her touch. She drew back her arm and cleared her throat before continuing. “And with her too. With Selene. You’re not going to be able to replace her with someone else. And, if having sex with me was another test to see if you could…well, then I guess it served a purpose, at least. Forget about what her mother said; forget about the right thing to do. Let her make the choice about what’s best for her…” I turned abruptly, expecting to be hit with Megan’s disdain, but instead, I was surprised to find her smiling. It was a slightly strained smile but a genuine one, the first I’d gotten after days of the frosty emotional distance I’d selfishly shown her.
“You don’t know her. Selene can’t think clearly about me. She’s completely incapable of making sensible choices because she’s blinded by—”
“By love,” she supplied. “She’s just in love. That’s it.” She smiled again, and I stiffened up. I wasn’t sure what made me more uncomfortable: Selene’s corrosive feelings for me or this tender behavior from Megan.
“I don’t deserve your smiles. There’s no use trying to bullshit about us. I know you’re disappointed. I know you feel used. I could apologize to you and tell you how sorry I am, but it wouldn’t fix anything, and we both know that.” I stared down into her eyes, using my height to loom over her. Despite her sky-high heels, she still had to look up at me, blinking thoughtfully. I looked at her sensuous mouth, but I didn’t feel that shiver of arousal that I’d been feeling for the past six months. All I’d really felt for her was fucking curiosity. I wanted to see if I could move on with someone like her. I wanted to see what it felt like to be with someone so similar to myself. Megan wasn’t like the other women, and she never had been, but she wasn’t my Babygirl either.
I had used her to figure out what kind of connection we had and if it could possibly be stronger than the memory of Selene. If it could make me forget about the smell of coconut and a pair of crystalline eyes.
Because she was the only one who ever felt like mine.
And I had always felt like hers.
Megan’s eyes were full of things unspoken, hidden questions, and shattered dreams. I was so good at fooling and hurting any person who got close to my twisted, chaotic brain.
“An apology is not what I want from you. I just want to go back to the way we were before. I never asked for any feelings from you or a relationship. I never wanted to be anyone’s replacement. You have enough problems, Miller. I don’t want you beating yourself up over this on top of everything else.” She breathed in deep and moved closer to me. She should have hated me—she should have slapped me in the face—but she didn’t look like she intended to do any of that. “We’re adults, and we’re responsible for our own choices. I take full responsibility for my actions. I just want you to be okay. I want you to be happy with the people you love.”
Her maturity was shocking, as were her green eyes staring steadily up at me like I’d never touched her while picturing someone else. Like I hadn’t come on to her for months specifically to make her crazy over me. Like I’d never used her to learn about myself and analyze the depthless hell I’d fallen into.
“I have work to do,” I muttered.
I really didn’t want to talk to her about what I’d felt after sending my siblings away or when John had shown me his tattoo. I didn’t want to admit to her my longing to go back in time to the day before graduation when I was with Babygirl. Her little body clinging to me, one leg entwined with mine, her small nose pressed close to my chest.
I liked that inexplicableus.
The moment when I was inside her and she was also inside me and the whole world became nothing more than a sheet of paper that we crumpled up and tossed away from our Neverland.
“I’m going back to work too. You know where to find me if you need.” Megan headed for the door, and my mind crashed back into the real world.
“Let’s ride home together…” I told her the way I always did. I could move on if she could, and we could put what happened to us to rest. We still had to live together, and our internships lasted another six months. I couldn’t keep behaving like an asshole, ignoring her, and refusing to even meet her eyes.
“Yeah.” She gave me one last brief smile and walked out of the office, leaving the door half-open. For a second, I thought there might be someone out there, perhaps a client waiting to come in, but when no one came in, I snorted and went back to staring at the papers in front of me.
Someone stepped through the doorway and cleared his throat. I whirled around and met a pair of bright eyes, identical to my own. I’d seen them on so many other occasions without ever clocking the incredible similarity. It was ridiculous how only now did I spot that kind of detail.
Because he was right there: John Keller, the liar.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Every nerve flared to life, and I crushed my pen between my fingers. My eyes remained locked on him as he slowly moved toward me. After shutting the door behind him, John looked around the office with polite curiosity and ignored my question.
“I want to have a talk with you.” He tucked his hands into his pockets and observed me without fear or apprehension but rather with a profound determination. It was unnerving.
“We already had a talk. I don’t have anything to say to you,” I muttered, shuffling some of the papers to avoid his insistent, probing gaze.
“Then let’s have another talk,” he answered with a hint of irony that I found as bothersome as his confidence. Since when did Dr. Keller act like that? Did he think that just because he was my biological father, he had the upper hand? He didn’t know shit about me.
“What about what I said before was unclear to you? Do you just like confronting me? I’m not changing my mind. I don’t have any room in my life for liars.” I slapped my hands palms down on the desk. He took note of the wild gesture but didn’t look surprised. He held still and continued to study me, like he was holding one of his sessions with a patient.
“You’re the one who isn’t seeing this situation clearly, son. And, because of how obstinate you are, I have no choice but to impose myself in a more forceful way.” He shrugged so arrogantly that I shook with anger. He just kept staring at me. With a growl of rage, I stalked over to him.
“What the fuck are you after, huh? You can’t just drop in here anytime you want because you happen to know where I work. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to have anything to do with you. You’ve been absent myentire life; it’s too late to show up now…John.” I said his name slowly, with emphasis, to make sure he knew that I’d never call him anything else. His bright eyes went dark, a sure sign I’d wounded his pride. I grinned at him, and his jaw ticked.
“Are you trying to hurt me? You know, kid, for a son of mine, I was expecting a little bit more. A cleverer play.” He gave me a mocking smile, and I took a step back from him.
“Don’t test me, you asshole,” I warned.
“Oh no? What would you do if I did? Hit your father?” he pressed. By then, my right hand had started to shake, and my breath was coming in rapid pants, and I couldn’t stop blinking.
