“Why?” I answered. He smiled, but then his stare turned cold. Neil was emotionally withdrawing to cope with the things he felt when we were together.
“Because you’re someplace far away…far away from the world that we live in. Pure, free, untainted. You are the most beautiful…refuge I’ve ever had.” He smiled tragically at me. The tone of his voice was so soothing that I relaxed against him, feeling protected.
“That’s a good thing,” I murmured affectionately.
“Not when it’s happening to someone like me. Someone who can only watch the moon rise high in the sky, admiring it there amongst the stars, without ever being able to reach for it…” he stroked my hair, taking a deep breath.
“But I’ll keep on admiring you from down here on the ground. Your light will make it through the rubble in little slivers, and I’ll still get to see it. Even if I can’t follow it. When I see that light, I’ll think of you. It will remind me that you were here, that I once met you and experienced you.” His knuckles were rough as he stroked my cheek. “You are just like the moon. The most I could aspire to is to dream of wandering amongst the stars while you remain fixed there, resolute against the darkness… You’re like an untouchable queen, Babygirl. And I am not your king.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead and another to my lips. “Not your prince, not your savior, not your man…” he murmured against my mouth, his smoke-scented breath rolling over me.
In his lightless eyes, I saw regret, disillusionment, and broken dreams. I saw loneliness and fear so powerful that I couldn’t fight back against them.
The true monster inside him wasn’t Kimberly but the fallout from her abuse. It had been with him so long that he didn’t even believe it was possible to live without it.
And, in all likelihood, he never would.
What could I do, in that case, to salvage our relationship?
I had to leave it up to chance.
“How about a trade?” I suggested, apropos of nothing, and he frowned. I slipped a hand into my coat and extracted two hard candies. One was coconut flavored, the other honey. I’d picked them up for later snacking at the clinic’s café a few days ago while Neil was talking to John. “Pick one. Consider it an invitation to pass into my kingdom amongst the stars,” I continued in a tone of reverence that made his lips creep up into an amused smile.
“A candy?” he asked skeptically.
“Yup. Which one do you want?”
Inside my head, I played a silly little game with myself: If he chose the coconut candy, then that would mean that there might be a chance for us, that Neil might agree to continue to walk by the light of the moon, even if he never changed otherwise. If he chose the honey candy, it would mean that he was going to remain alone, fighting endlessly against the past without ever finding a way forward.
Neil raised his hand to pick a candy, and I closed one eye in anticipation, afraid to see what choice he’d make. My heart raced, and when I saw the one he’d taken, it was as though a swarm of butterflies took flight inside me.
Neil had chosen the coconut candy.
The broad smile that spread across my face made him blink in bewilderment.
“Good job! Excellent choice!” I enthused, closing my fist around the remaining honey candy—the one that symbolized Neil as he was—Kimberly, the wounds left open, the hurt, the shame, everything I wanted to sweep away to give him a second chance.
“What now?” he asked, turning the candy over in his fingers, examining it like a curious child.
“Now you fly with me, Peter Pan,” I said, and then I stole a kiss from his lips.
All I wanted was him and me.
A couple packets of pistachios.
Two candies.
Our mess.
All I wanted was something simple.
No love stories.
No changes.
No Prince Charming.
All I wanted was this undefined “us.”
Any kind of story as long as he was in it with me.
