I growled abruptly in frustration at the inexplicable warmth I felt spreading through my chest and continued taking long, deep drags off my cigarette.
Maybe smoking could bring me back to myself.
I needed to be that cold man again: the cynical, apathetic one who thought about Kimberly when he fucked and nothing else.
“Neil…” Babygirl called, drawing my attention, and I shot her a hard look to put her back in her place. She could tell that I was on edge, so she receded back into herself, breathing shallowly. I saw it all. She was so slight and fragile that I felt like taking her in my arms and kissing every red mark I’d made on her body, but my pride wouldn’t allow it.
I was not the kind of guy who indulged in cuddling, displays of affection, or other mushy crap.
I just wanted Selene to stay with me for a finite period of time because it was easier to protect her that way. That was it.
“Can you give me a minute? Or is it too hard for you to keep quiet for even that long?” I snapped angrily. She breathed in sharply at the harsh scolding and sat up.
Shit…if I were in her shoes, I would have slapped me. I needed to dig deep and get myself straight.
Selene touched her messy hair, pushing aside her sweaty bangs. Meanwhile, I made myself comfortable, leaning back against the headboard and stretching my legs out in front of me.
“I want to leave,” she said wrathfully.
I almost laughed at the expression that had sprung up on her face.
First she was blissed out of her mind, and then she was infuriated. Truly, she was adorable.
“Not gonna happen. You’re staying here with me, Babygirl,” I answered mirthfully, arrogantly continuing to smoke. I blew the smoke out into the air and narrowed my eyes at her exposed breasts, lewdly imagining them back in my mouth.
“Why the hell do you always have to act like this?” She covered them with her forearm, purposefully depriving me of that extremely erotic image until I was forced to look back at her face. Those blue eyes, so full of light, of life, of dreams, were aimed at me like deadly projectiles. Once again, I put up my thick walls to protect me from her.
“I don’tactlike this; Iamlike this. There’s a difference,” I corrected her.
“Oh, for sure. You’re inherently moody? Rude and unstable?” she teased me before bursting into hysterical laughter.
Babygirl was losing her mind, just like me.
“I’m eccentric, but more importantly, I’m very romantic,” I doubled down.
“Yup, romantic…” she echoed sardonically. “If by ‘romantic’ you mean ‘insufferable,’ sure,” she went on, shifting on her bottom like it was uncomfortable for her to sit. I looked down between her legs and felt a spark of concern.
I hadn’t been gentle with her just then, and I was afraid I might have gone too far and finally driven her away from me—though I’d never admit that to her. Once again, I thought about how counterintuitively I was acting, doing everything I could think of to make her hate me but refusing to accept the idea of her actually leaving.
I shook my head, laughing at myself.
My internal confusion was putting me on edge.
I was typically hesitant with people, but I could never hesitate with her.
Because Selene shone in my solitude.
Shone in my darkness.
She shone, and she smelled like freedom.
And I was afraid.
She had the power to piece me back together or to shatter me at will, and she didn’t even realize it.
“We should sleep,” I said, grinding out the cigarette in the ashtray on the nightstand.
I laid down on my side, showing her my back, and tried to calm down, though my head felt swollen with thoughts like a balloon full of water.
