I was disgusted with myself.
How big a bastard did you have to be to put a woman in mortal peril and not even have the decency to be in love with her?
How much of a bastard was I?
A huge one…gigantic.
Because if I’d just been a little more sensible, more cautious, and less selfish, Player wouldn’t have gone after her.
When did I become so callous? When did I lose track of who I was?
My heart was paralyzed.
I couldn’t feel anything except hate and shame.
I didn’t know who the real me was anymore.
Had there ever even been arealme?
My brain worked differently: It was like being caught in a spiral from which there was no escape. I was in a constant state of alertness, inundated all the time with sick thoughts. I was always wondering if I was properly understanding human relationships, and my confusion only deepened when I tried to process the experience of being abused by fleeing deeper into my own mind instead of disassociating from it like many survivors did.
My mind, then, became the real prison that I lived inside.
The only time I could escape my cursed reality was when I was with Selene. With her, I felt free.
Different.
That was why I couldn’t stay away from her. It was a constant struggle not to give in to the temptation to go back to her. On one hand, I needed to be with her to escape myself. On the other hand, I needed to protect the Boy from the monsters inside me.
So which was the right path? There was no easy answer.
I grumbled in frustration as I took off my clothes, preparing to take another one of my many showers.
Maybe it would help me calm down and ease some of my constant worries about Player.
The lunatic was on the loose, completely free to hurt the people I cared about, especially my Tinkerbell, who was far away from me. The distance between us made me uneasy because I knew that, without my protection, Selene was a sitting duck.
I was trapped in New York; she was trapped in Detroit.
What if the son of a bitch was there right now?
Maybe creeping around underneath her bedroom window?
I lathered up my body, swearing furiously before allowing the warm water to massage my overworked muscles. If I’d left her phone with her, I could have just called her, but now I had no means of getting in contact with her. Misery washed over me, and I saw my past stretched out before me on the wet tile floor. It was vast and black, ready to suck me in. I opened and shut my eyes, trying to banish the mocking visions. I got out of the shower and dried myself off quickly.
Clearheaded. I needed to stay clearheaded.
Shit.
It wasn’t six o’clock yet, but I was very anxious to meet up with Luke to get some answers about the hacking.
Agitated, I rubbed my hair dry and pulled on a black sweater as well as my usual dark jeans. I grabbed my packet of Winstons, car keys, and my phone and Selene’s and tucked everything into my coat pocket.
“Where are you going?”
I jumped a little at the sound of my brother’s voice. I turned to find him leaning against the doorframe. We hadn’t talked much since we had that fight over Alyssa. That bitch had driven a wedge between Logan and me.
“Out,” I answered shortly. I didn’t enjoy acting that way with him; it wasn’t like me to put up my impenetrable walls with my siblings, but my pride often made me act aloof, especially after receiving any sort of slight. In the few human relationships I did have, my inherent nature did nothing but cause problems and conflict.
