I don’t, of course.I can’t.I’m needed here.And I have my own needs too, which, right now, include hugging my mum and not letting go for a long time.
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I say.Rex slips his small, warm hand into mine, and the three of us head out of the airport to begin the trek home.
* * *
After travelling the globe for most of my adult life, it always feels surreal returning to Honeywell Hollow.
When Liam pulls into the driveway of my childhood home, I exit the truck and freeze yet again.Rex scrambles out of the back and runs toward the house, veering off at the last second to head for the backyard instead.For the first half hour or so of the drive, he was quiet except for the occasional sniffle.When I remembered the uneaten snacks Mila packed in my carry-on—Walkers Cheese and Onion crisps and a Twirl chocolate bar, two of Rex’s favourites—he’d perked up slightly and started a non-stop and mostly one-sided commentary for the rest of the drive.
With my feet rooted to the ground, I stare up at the house.It hasn’t changed much over the years, except for the new siding Liam put on a couple of years ago.There’s a fairly fresh coat of red paint on the front door; seeing it makes me smile for the first time in what feels like days.My dad insisted on painting the front door Mum’s favourite colour when they bought the place.He said it reminded him of home because all the houses on the street where he grew up in Ireland had colourful doors.Even the cottage he owns in the tiny Irish village of Ardmore has a bright blue door.
Liam rounds the truck to join me, rolling my suitcase behind him.He doesn’t ask why I’m standing here, or suggest we move toward the house.“Is your head spinning from our little chatterbox?”he asks.
I glance in the direction Rex disappeared.He’s likely climbing into the treehouse out back.I’m tempted to join him.“The distraction was actually a huge relief,” I say.“Listening to Rex’s stream of consciousness kept me from getting lost in my own head.”
Liam’s lips twitch as he nods.“That’s what I was hoping for when I brought him along.It’s hard to get too caught up in your thoughts with him around.”
“I can’t thank you enough for coming to get me,” I tell him.“I was dreading the last leg of the journey back here.”
“Of course.You know I’d do anything for you, Fi.”He grips my shoulder and squeezes.“Remember that when things get tough in the coming days.”He pauses, and the words he doesn’t say hang in the air between us:Thingswillget tough.The next few days and weeks are going to be hell for so many reasons.“I’m only ever a call or text away.”
I lay my hand over his where it rests on my shoulder.Not for the first time, I wonder how I got so lucky to have a friend like Liam Doherty.Even luckier, considering I broke his best friend’s heart.Liam never chose sides, though, and I’ve never felt anything but unconditional, brotherly love from him.
Unable to meet his eyes now, I murmur a quick thank-you as I surge forward to kiss his cheek.I want to dive into his arms and have him hold me, but I’m afraid I’d fall apart like I did in the airport.
For the first time, I notice the other cars in the driveway.A glance behind us shows more cars lining the street in front of the house.I expected this, but it doesn’t make it any easier.I’m grateful Mum has so many friends, but considering most of the people in this town couldn’t care less about me, I’m not exactly looking forward to facing them.
I watch as the front door opens and Mrs.Teage, a neighbour from down the street, steps onto the porch.Mum appears behind her, and Mrs.Teage turns back to wrap her arms around her.Mum’s arms are limp at her sides, and her eyes are closed.Her normally immaculately-styled auburn hair droops around her shoulders.I expected her to be in one of her good dresses, but she’s wearing one of my dad’s old Leary’s Pub sweatshirts, paired with black leggings, something I didn’t even know she owned.
This is bad.
Mum’s eyes fly open and focus directly on me, as if she senses me watching.She frees herself from Mrs.Teage’s embrace and moves past her onto the porch, stopping at the top of the stairs.The movement brings my attention to her bare feet.I don’t ever remember seeing my mum go around barefoot.She always wears socks, stockings, slippers, or shoes.Growing up, she lovingly referred to Dad and me as hippies because we preferred to go barefoot whenever possible.
Lifting my carry-on from where I dropped it on the ground, I finally force my feet to move.I’m vaguely aware of passing Mrs.Teage and muttering some sort of pleasantry, but my focus is on Mum.I haven’t looked in a mirror since I left the house in London, but I’m sure her puffy, bloodshot eyes and pale skin are a mirror of my own.
I drop my carry-on the second I reach the top of the stairs, and all but collapse into Mum’s arms.She clings to me as if she’s a drowning woman and I’m a life preserver.Her tears soak the shoulder of my shirt within seconds.The lump that forms in my throat nearly chokes me.
I murmur meaningless words into her hair, smoothing my hand over her back the way she used to do to me when I was little and I was upset or scared.It always soothed me, but I think Mum is beyond soothing now.Her heart is shattered, and all the hugs and soft words in the world won’t change that.
“I’m so glad you’re home.”Her words are a ragged whisper as she tightens her hold on me.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here when he died.I should have come home sooner, I should have—”
Mum releases me so suddenly I struggle to maintain my balance.“Stop, Fiona.I can tell you that’s a dangerous game to play, thewhat ifsandshould haves.”She grips my shoulders, her gaze roaming over my face.“He would have hated for you to be here feeling helpless when you could be out there doing what you love.Th-that made him happy.”Her eyes fill with tears again, and I draw her back into my arms, holding on like my life depends on it.
I close my burning eyes and wait for the tears, but they don’t come.I wish I could say it’s because I’m trying to be strong for Mum, trying to hold it together so she can draw strength from me, but they just don’t come.I tuck my face into her shoulder and breathe deeply.The lump in my throat grows when I catch a whiff of Irish Spring from Dad’s sweatshirt.He used to joke he was a walking cliché for using the soap, but something about it reminded him of home.I always keep a mini bar of it with me in my toiletry bag.
The sound of footsteps approaching from inside the house draws my head up from Mum’s shoulder.My heart lodges in my throat when my gaze locks on a pair of familiar blue-grey eyes.Eyes I’ve looked into my entire life.Eyes I’ve seen express every emotion imaginable.The surprise in them now morphs to sadness, then anger, and then...nothing.No emotion at all.
That blank look gives nothing away.Not the fact we share a literal lifetime of history.Not the fact we were once the best of friends and then each other’s first loves.I’m not surprised at the way he schools his face, and yet I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt, even after all this time.Despite it being a well-known fact I intended to leave Honeywell to travel the world, I broke Nathan Holbrook’s heart when I left.And even after all these years, he’s never forgiven me.
“Fiona,” he says, his voice as flat as his expression.
Mum startles, releasing me and turning to face the door.“Oh, Nathan.I’m such a bad hostess.”
Nathan may have been able to shut down his emotions upon seeing me, but they switch back on as he takes one of Mum’s hands.“No one expects you to be any type of hostess right now, Mae.We’rehere foryou, for whatever you need.”His gaze slides past her to settle momentarily on me before returning to her.When he speaks again, his voice is lower, and his eyes are full of so much love and compassion it makes my stomach clench.“I wouldn’t have interrupted your reunion, but the funeral home is on the phone for you.”
“Oh.”Mum looks perplexed, like she can’t imagine why the funeral home would be calling her.I can see the second it hits her—that moment when she remembers Dad is gone.Her shoulders slump, and her head sags as if holding it up takes too much effort.“Thank you, honey.I’ll just...”She waves toward the door and moves past him into the house.
