While Liam and I referred to Seamus as Murph for most of our lives, he’s been Smurph to Rex ever since it slipped out one day, and Murph cackled and said he loved it.The nickname never fails to make me smile, even now as my throat tightens and my eyes prickle.
I swallow thickly.Rex tilts his head back and looks up at me with a face that’s a tiny carbon copy of my best friend’s.Rex may be Liam’s biological nephew, but I’ve had the honour of being in his life since the day he was born.I love the kid as if he were my own, just like Liam does.So while his question is a seemingly simple one, I feel like there are infinite ways to fuck up the answer.
I clear my throat and squat down so I’m eye to eye with Rex.How do I answer this question when I don’t even know what I believe in myself?More importantly, how would Murph want me to answer?Years ago, he told me what it was like growing up in a devoutly Catholic family, and how he threw off the chains of the more oppressive side of religion when he left Ireland as a teen to see the world.Religion and spirituality were underlying themes in many of the novels he wrote, and he expressed to me once that it was through his writing that he formed a connection with his own spiritual side.
AllIknow is that energy can’t be created or destroyed.If we’re all made of energy, that essence of us has to go somewhere, right?Whether it lingers or goes elsewhere isn’t something I’ve given much thought before now.But…if thereisa heaven in the way we’re led to imagine it, I have to believe Seamus Murphy is there, likely drinking Guinness and having ‘a bit of craic’ with the angels.
I grip Rex’s shoulders and give him an answer I hope is enough: “I’d like to think so, buddy.”
His earnest nod tells me he’s satisfied with my response.“Me too.I like picturing him up there watching over all of us.”
Tears swim in his eyes.Knowing my own tear ducts are likely to turn sympathetic at the sight, I draw him in for a hug.The sound of his sniffles, paired with the way his chest hitches, makes my already-broken heart feel like it’s shattering into a million more pieces.
Dealing with my own pain is one thing, but seeing the people I love more than anything suffer is so much worse.The next few days and weeks are going to be hell for countless reasons.I’ll have to do my best to lock away my own pain, at least for a while, so I can be strong for my people.
Movement draws my attention toward the hall.Liam stands in the kitchen doorway, hands jammed in the pockets of his jeans.His eyebrows lift in silent question.I squeeze Rex before releasing him and straightening to my full height.Rex dashes toward Liam when he spots him, and Liam picks him up and holds him close the way I wanted to a few minutes ago.
I slump into a chair at the kitchen table and take a sip of my now-cold coffee.Liam sits across from me with Rex curled up against his chest, his eyelids heavy.None of us has gotten much sleep these last few days.
“What are you working on?”Liam asks, inclining his chin toward the notepad in front of me.
“A list of things that need to be done at some point.”I scrub a hand over my face, surprised to find more scruff than usual.When was the last time I shaved?Or showered?“Mae said Murph had…everything planned.”My gaze darts to Rex and back to Liam, who nods in understanding.“But there’s stuff we can do.OrIcan do.”
“We,” Liam says automatically.As a natural caretaker, I’m sure he wants to feel useful, just like I do.“What have you got so far?”
“Remove the ramp from the front of the house.”Liam and I built the ramp in January when it became harder for Murph to navigate the stairs.He went from occasionally using a walking stick—he insisted we call it that and not a cane—to needing a walker and sometimes even a wheelchair.
“Let’s wait until after the wake,” Liam suggests.“Most of Honeywell will likely come out for it, and there are people who’d appreciate the ramp.”
“True.”I pick up my pen and tap it against the paper.“The only other thing I’ve come up with so far is to remove the chairlift in the stairwell.My mind went blank after that.Once the fog has lifted for Mae, we can ask her what we can do to help.”
“And in the meantime, we’ll keep doing what we’ve been doing the last few months,” Liam says.“All the behind-the-scenes stuff so Mae doesn’t have to think about any of it.”
Liam and I are co-owners of Honeywell Handymen, which does construction work, maintenance, and odd jobs around town.When we started picking up some of the slack around here last summer—cutting the grass, tending the garden, stuff like that—Murph hired us on a contract basis.Liam and I attempted to put him off, reminding him that he and Mae were family and we were happy to help, but he insisted we be paid for our time and labour.Anyone who knew Seamus Murphy well knew there was no arguing with him.
“How canIhelp?”Rex asks in a small voice.He’s been so still the last few minutes, I assumed he’d fallen asleep.
Liam and I exchange a look.We’ve already promised Rex that simply having him here is all any of us needs right now.Mae asked if Liam and Rex would stay with her for a few days so she’s not alone in the house, and they were happy to oblige.I live down the street, so it’s easy for me to come and go, although I’ve ended up crashing on the couch every night anyway.
“Do you want to help me take inventory of all the food people keep bringing?”I ask.“That way nothing will go to waste.”It’s a crappy task, but I understand his desire todosomething, and it’s all I can think of at the moment.
Surprisingly, he perks up at my suggestion.Liam shrugs at me as Rex hops off his lap and heads for the fridge.I follow, notebook and pen in hand.
We’ve only been at it for a few minutes when Mae appears in the doorway.The pillow creases on her right cheek tell me she did actually lie down, but if her bloodshot eyes and pale skin are any indication, I’m guessing she didn’t sleep.
“I forgot to tell you boys that Fiona’s flight gets in today around two,” Mae says in a hollow, rusty voice, her gaze trained out the kitchen window instead of on any of us.
I turn away under the pretense of writing something down.Whatever Rex just told me was lost to the buzzing that started in my ears at the mention of the Murphys’ daughter.Thankfully, Liam acknowledges what Mae said.When she doesn’t respond, I glance in her direction to find her watching me with an expectant expression.
I stare back, frozen in place, my mouth clamped shut.I’m an asshole.An absolute asshole.I can’t do it, though.I can’t be alone in my truck for hours with the woman I once loved more than anything, especially after what happened last Christmas when I picked her up from the airport…
One of those snowstorms they refer to as ‘snowmageddon’.Road closures.A cheap motel with only one vacancy: a room with a queen-sized bed.A lot of cheap alcohol, some unexpected reminiscing that led to even more unexpected kissing, and then—
“I’ll go get her,” Liam says.
His words break the staring contest between Mae and me.As she looks away, I notice her eyes are glazed over.I think she was lookingthroughme rather thanatme, which tells me the so-called staring contest was more a product of my guilty conscience than anything.
“Can I go with you?”Rex asks.
