I’m not surprised, considering what a sweet, thoughtful child Rex is.He’s been surrounded by people who love him and dote on him since the minute he was born.He has a lot of his Uncle Liam in him: he’s kind, patient, and loyal.And even though Nathan isn’t related by blood, I see plenty of him in Rex’s personality and habits too.
“Thea will be around here somewhere,” Nathan says, inclining his chin toward the far side of the park.A small pavilion has been built since I was last here, with rows of picnic tables underneath.A group of parents and guardians are huddled around one of the tables, shooting the occasional glance at the kids.
The next time I catch sight of Rex, he’s playing with a trio of kids his own age.Billie is easy to spot in her rainbow attire, and I watch her tear around the playground, singing to herself as she climbs a rope ladder, then flies down the slide.She lands hard on her butt, barely pausing before hopping to her feet and rushing back to the rope ladder to do it all over again.
I chuckle to myself.Nathan glances at me, his brows raised in question.He pushes his sunglasses up to rest on top of his head, and my stomach drops slightly when I finally see those familiar blue-grey eyes.
“She’s a feisty one,” I say by way of explanation.
“That she is.”Instead of looking back at Billie, Nathan’s gaze remains on me.“Reminds me of a certain brown-eyed girl I used to know.”
He’s talking about me, I’m certain of it, but his use of the past tense throws me off.My brain wants to go into analytic mode, but I tell it to shut up.“I bet she’s still feisty, this brown-eyed girl you used to know.”
His lips twist slightly.I’m not sure I’d call it a smile, not exactly.Whatever it is remains on his lips as he returns his attention to the playground.
Silence falls between us.We used to be able to talk for hours, or alternately, go for ages sitting together in silence, enjoying each other’s company without feeling the need to fill the spaces.Now my skin tingles with an odd mixture of discomfort and awareness.I can’t remember the last time it was just the two of us like this.
Well, that’s not entirely true; we were alone together in a hotel room last December during a snowstorm.The things that happened in that room were the choices of two consenting adults, but the regret was immediate.At least for Nathan.
My mind races to come up with potential safe topics.In the years since I left Honeywell, Nathan has alternated between being downright hostile—snarky comments and digs, defensive behaviour—and aloof, acting as if we didn’t have years of complex history and weren’t once the centre of each other’s world.I’m sure he would have preferred to avoid me whenever I was in town for a visit, but with his close ties to my parents, not to mention the proximity of our houses, it was difficult.I’m shocked he’s not avoiding me now, especially since we don’t have the usual buffer of Liam, Rex, or my parents.
“I love watching little kids play.”I don’t know why my brain chose those words, but they’re out now, and Nathan is giving me curious side-eye, so I go on.“Whenever I’m anywhere for a few days or more, I usually end up in a park or playground.No matter where I go, even when I don’t understand a word of the language, the act of playing feels like a universal language.I love how kids live in the moment, like nothing else exists.They have no idea there’s a big, wide world out there beyond their small playground or their home or their school, just waiting to be discovered.”
Nathan remains silent.He’s watching Billie, who appears to be jumping in imaginary puddles.Guess that explains the rubber boots.
“You always knew, though, didn’t you?”His voice is soft when he finally speaks.From his tone, I know I’ve inadvertently said something wrong, and we’re about to be back in familiar territory.
“Knew what?”I ask tentatively.
Nathan meets my gaze.He doesn’t school his face fast enough for me to miss the hurt swirling in his eyes.It’s gone almost instantly, replaced by that flat expression I’ve come to expect from him.“That there was more to life.More than this playground, or our school, or your home, or your family.”He pauses.“More than me.You always knew, and you couldn’t wait to get out of here and start living your life.”
His voice remains quiet as he speaks, but he might as well have shouted in my face.My heart lurches before it picks up speed, slamming against my ribcage.“You know, this is why I learned to keep my mouth shut around you.You take everything I say and twist it to make it sound like I’m a horrible person for having big dreams and daring to pursue them.You seem hellbent on finding fault with me, no matter what I say or do.”
I don’t need this shit, and I don’t have to tolerate it, regardless of my history with Nathan or all he’s done for my parents.I hop off the bench and stride away, needing to put as much distance between us as possible.I’m almost to the gate when strong fingers wrap around my wrist, pulling me to a stop.I shoot a glare over my shoulder, and Nathan drops his hold quickly, as if he’s been burned.
“I’m sorry, Fiona.”He holds up his hands and takes a step back.“I didn’t mean it.Every time I think I’m over what happened, all it takes is seeing you again, and all these old feelings rush to the surface.Except instead of the happy, fun memories, the ones from when we were best friends and then more...”He trails off, crossing his arms over his chest, and lowering his gaze to the ground.“I just remember the anger and hurt.And I can’t seem to hold it in, even when I try.”
“Try harder then, Nathan.”The forcefulness in my voice has him glancing up, his eyebrows raised.“I’m sorry for hurting you all those years ago, I really,trulyam.But I’m tired of everyone always assuming the worst of me or acting as if I think I’m too good for this town, even though I’ve never said thatoracted that way.I know you never understood why I wanted to leave, but I expected better of you than to treat me like all the other people in Honeywell.And for what?Was I a bad person?Did I break any laws?Did I kick puppies or take candy from little kids?No.My big crime was wanting to see the world, something my own dad did and wasadmiredfor.”
“You may have expected better of me, but I expected better of you too, Fiona,” Nathan says, a sadness I never expected flashing in his eyes.“I may have known you planned to leave, but I didn’t expect you to leave and never look back.I never expected you to forget about me and just cast aside two decades of history.”
If I thought my heart was racing before, it was nothing compared to the way it’s trying to leap out of my body now.“Is that honestly what you think?That I forgot about you?That I couldeverforget about you or what we meant to each other?”
He shrugs, his arms dropping to his sides and slapping against his denim-clad thighs.I wait for him to say something, to tell me he knows I’dneverforget him, but he simply shakes his head.
When I left Honeywell at nineteen, Nathan and I agreed we weren’t ready to break up, but we also didn’t want to attempt a long-distance relationship.Without a set travel plan in mind, I didn’t know how long I’d be gone or when I’d be in places that would make it difficult to stay in regular contact.
Nathan came up with the idea of ‘hitting the pause button’.We’d be together, yet not, and would decide on the future of our relationship when I returned.We stayed in semi-regular contact, but it didn’t take long for things to become strained.I was constantly on the move, making new friends, and working odd jobs when I could, while Nathan remained here in Honeywell, apprenticing with a local construction company.
He was always on my mind, and my love for him remained as strong as ever, but he told me it felt like he was living in suspended animation, waiting for me to come home, waiting to learn the future of our relationship.When I returned home after travelling through Canada, the States, and South America, it was Nathan who ended things when I told him I wanted to continue travelling.It made sense—it was unfair and unrealistic for him to continue waiting for me—but I hoped we could remain friends or at least eventually be close again.Obviously, that wasn’t meant to be.
“I guess we were both wrong then,” I say.This time, when I turn and walk away, I manage to reach the gate.
“Fiona.”From the sound of his voice, he’s not following me this time.
“Screw you, Nathan,” I call over my shoulder.
There are a few gasps from nearby.My gaze reluctantly travels to a group of women huddled around empty strollers, glaring at me and whispering furiously.This day just keeps getting better.I throw my hands up and call out an apology, even though there are no children close.My attention shifts to Nathan; I expect him to still be all Frowny McBroodyface, but the backs of his fingers are brushing his lips as if he’s trying to hide a smile.
