Silence falls aswe color our pictures. This has always been a solitary activity forme, so it feels strange yet comforting to be doing it with Evie.When ten minutes pass and we both remain silent, I pull up one ofmy favorite instrumental playlists on my phone.
“Okay,I totally get the appeal of this,” Evie says after a while. Herpage—an elaborate scene of a castle, lake, and forest—is about aquarter done. I’ve been watching from the corner of my eye as shemethodically chooses her colors and carefully shades in eachsection. “Did you start this up again when you moved back toBellevue?”
“No, Ipicked it up again a few years ago.”
“Wasit…were you…”
“Depressed?” I ask, and Evie cringes a bit as she nods. “It’sokay, we can talk about it. Iwasdepressed, or at least I could feel myselfslipping into familiar patterns of depression.”
Coloring was notonly an inexpensive activity, but also one I could hide from Lars,knowing he would think it was silly and childish. It became one ofmy many harmless little secrets, like the time I spent on thefandom forum or reading fanfics. It was a way for me to keep colorin my life when it felt like I was living in a black and whiteworld.
“I’msorry, Stels.” Evie’s eyes go wide suddenly and she jerks to faceme. “Wait, are you struggling with depression now? I know beingback here has been a big adjustment, but I thought—”
“No,no, it’s nothing like that,” I say quickly, cutting her off. “Istarted coloring for something to do between endless job searchesand sending out résumés. And I grabbed my book this afternoon whenI got home because I’m nervous about the banquettomorrow.”
Evie’s shouldersslump in relief. “Okay. I was worried I’d been a bad friend and hadmissed the signs. You’d tell me if things got bad again,right?”
“Iwould, but I promise I’m fine. Better than I have been in a longtime, in fact.”
Her eyes brightenand the corners of her lips twitch. “Because of Leland?”
I give her aplayful eye roll and reach for my forgotten glass of wine. “He’spart of it, yes, but so are you and the girls. Wesley too, ofcourse, and Felicity. Even Fergus. I feel safe and loved here, likeI can be myself.”
Eviedrops her marker and inches closer to me so she can loop her armaround me. I lean against her, resting my head on her shoulder.“Youaresafe andloved here. We all want to see you happy and thriving.”
I nestle closer toher and we stay as we are, falling back into the comfortablesilence of a few minutes ago. It doesn’t last long before Eviesays, “Just for the record, I think you and Leland are greattogether. And I know you’re going to say it’s all an act, but it’snot. You care about him.”
I sigh. There’s nouse denying it, especially not to the person who knows me betterthan anyone. “I do care about him. A lot.”
“But?”
“But…hedeserves better than possibly being a rebound from both Lars andTannis. Our pretend relationship is perfect in so many ways becauseit’s keeping me on track and giving me something to focus on whileI figure things out. For months, I told myself I should be strongenough not to keep making bad decisions, especially where Tanniswas concerned. And yet she’d snap her fingers and I’d go back toher, even though in many ways, she was no better than Lars. Iexchanged one emotionally abusive relationship foranother.”
The words pour outof me as Evie holds me tightly to her side. It’s easier to talkabout it without her looking at me. Her sympathy and understandingmight make me crumble.
“You’vefound the strength now, and that’s what matters,” shesays.
“Buthave I actually found the strength or is Leland a temporary bandageon a larger wound? And if that’s the case, doesn’t he deservebetter?”
Evie’s sighruffles my hair. She’s quiet for a minute before speaking again.“Okay, go with me here, I’m going to stick with your bandageanalogy.” She eases away so she can see me. “Sometimes a bandage isnecessary for the healing process. It keeps out unwanted thingslike dirt, germs, etcetera, right? So maybe being with Leland ishelping you heal by giving you a chance to focus and get yourpriorities straight. You said yourself you feel better than youhave in a long time, which tells me you’re doing the work and notjust slapping that bandage over a wound and hoping it takes care ofitself.”
“Huh.”The word comes out faint as I process everything Evie just said.“I…I think we’re on to something with the bandageanalogy.”
Evie laughs. “I’mright, though, right?”
“Ithink so, yeah. Although I can’t lie, I’m still scared of messingthings up.”
“I getthat. I think we all feel that fear at some point. I still wake upevery morning expecting the last few weeks with Wesley to be adream. I loved him for so long and it’s still hard to believe thisis my reality now. I have moments of panic where I think I’m goingto mess it all up somehow or push him away, or he’s going torealize we’re better off as friends.”
“That’ll never happen, Ev.”
“Iknow.” She rubs a hand over her chest, tapping the spot over herheart. “I know that inhere, but my head likes to try totrip me up sometimes.”
“Youtoo, eh?” I press my palm over hers and she switches the positionsof our hands so mine is pressed over her heart. It beats a steady,comforting rhythm. “Good thing we have each other to help drown outthose voices.”
“Goodthing,” she echoes. She releases my hand and dives at me for a hug,nearly knocking me over. We hold on to each other and laugh,rocking back and forth. “Okay, enough serious talk. I’m going tocall Wesley and tell him I’m spending tonight with you. Then I’mgoing to order us some dinner and pour us some more wine. I think agirls’ night is in order, don’t you?”
My first instinctis to tell her not to cancel her plans with Wesley on my account,but how can I turn down an offer like that? “A girls’ night soundsperfect.”
