The light is off in the bathroom when I walk by. I find Liam downstairs, dressed in a clean pair of pajamas. He’s sitting on the couch, elbows planted on his knees, and head in his hands. Between the darkness of the room and the way his hair falls forward, I can’t see his face until I’m next to him.
“You okay?” I ask. “Are you feeling worse? Is there anything I can get you?”
With a long, weary sigh, Liam straightens to look at me. His eyes are tired, but there’s something else in their dark depths, something I’ve never seen before. Something that makes my stomach clench.
“I think Rex and I are past the worst of it,” he says, his gaze darting away from mine. “I’m grateful for all you’ve done for us. You’re right about me finding it hard to ask for help or accept it when it’s offered.”
“I’m glad I could be here for both of you,” I tell him. “It’s been nice to feel useful.”
He nods, pushing off the couch and getting slowly to his feet. He wobbles a bit when he reaches his full height. When I offer my arm to steady him, he holds up his hands. “We’ll be fine now, Joss. You can head home.”
My stomach feels like there’s a vice around it, one that tightens with each of his words. His low, even voice holds a note of coolness that’s at odds with everything I’ve ever known about Liam. “I thought I’d spend the night. Keep an eye on both of you, make sure you have everything you need.”
“I think it would be better if you went home.”
A few hours ago, I would have thought this was lingering concern over me catching the flu. Not anymore. “Better for who?”
“For all of us. For you and me. For Rex.” He sighs again and this time he sounds utterly exhausted. I want so badly to reach out to him, offer him strength, comfort,something. I have a sinking feeling I’m the one who’s going to need comforting in a minute. “I heard him call you Mommy.”
“Is that what you’re upset about? Liam, he was half asleep. Kids call the wrong person Mommy all the time. Throw in the fact he’s sick, sleepy, and drugged up…”
Liam rakes his hands through his hair. “I get that. Hell, he’s calledmeMom more than once. He gets all embarrassed and we laugh about it.” His face softens for a moment, then goes back to being stony. He shuffles past me toward the front hall, and I follow numbly.
“I know you care about us and I know being in Honeywell has shown you some of the things you’ve been missing in life,” he says. “But I also know you’ll be leaving soon, going back to your regular life and your job. You’re going to keep acting and get the roles you want and deserve, the ones you’re meant to play. I’m sure you’ll remember us fondly, but someday we’ll be nothing more than a memory to you, a small part of your overall story. And while you do all those great things, we’ll be here, carrying on as we always have, except we’ll remember you as more than a blip inourstories, and we’ll be the ones dealing with broken hea—” He cuts himself off abruptly, but we both know what he was about to say.
“Do you really think I’m so shallow that I’ll just forget everyone the minute I leave Honeywell?”
He leans against the wall near the front door, resting his head back as if it’s too heavy to hold up. “I don’t think you’re shallow, Joss. Not at all. But this isn’t real life for you. It’s temporary. You’re playing house, but real feelings are at stake here. Rex loves you, he counts on you. He’s already dealt with so much in his short life and he’s going to be crushed when you leave.”
His words feel like a slap to the face. “I love him too, Liam. And I’m not going to forget about him. It’s not like I live on the far side of the moon or something. Toronto is just a few hours away; I can come visit. I can write to him and text him and video chat with him. I can still be part of his life. I’d never just walk away from him, especially after all he’s been through. Afterallof us have been through.”
“I know you mean that and you have the absolute best of intentions, but things change. You’ll get busy, you’ll be working and traveling, and the phone calls will come fewer and farther between. Visits will have to be postponed. None of it will be done on purpose, but Liam will be the one who’s hurt.”
It takes me a minute to realize he’s talking about Rex and not himself. Although of course he’s also talking about himself too. This is as much about him as it is about that sweet, beautiful boy upstairs. Liam experienced the sting of rejection and abandonment from a young age, and he wants better for Rex.
“I promise that won’t happen. I won’tletit happen.”
Liam hangs his head, shaking it slowly. When he doesn’t say anything, I take a step closer, anger and hurt bubbling in my stomach where worry was a few minutes ago. “This is why I didn’t want to pursue things between us,” I say. “Do I have to remind you thatyouwere the one who wanted this to be more? I was fine with a one-night stand, but you were the one who wanted us to be more than that for however long we had. Now you’re just…what? Saying thanks for the good times and casting me aside?”
His head snaps up, eyes blazing with fire as they meet mine. The heat is gone as quickly as it came, though, and he slumps against the wall. I stay where I am, fighting against the desire to hold him up or insist he return to the couch.
“Why don’t you get some sleep?” I suggest. “We can talk about this when you’re feeling better.”
“What if you moved here?” The question bursts out of him. He looks as surprised as I feel.
“I-I’m trying to figure out if that’s possible,” I stammer. “It’s not a decision I can make lightly or something I can just do on a whim, as much as I might like to. You know my life and my home and my job are in Toronto, and—”
“Your job, yes,” he interrupts. “But not your life or your home. You’ve said yourself you don’t have much of a life outside of work. And you’re not attached to your condo, it’s just where you live. A home is a place where you’re comfortable, it’s somewhere full of love. I’m sure you could afford to keep your condo in Toronto and have a place here too. Honeywell could be your second home. Youractualhome. Where people care about you—you, Joss, the person, not Josslyn Hazelwood, the actress.”
The imploring way he’s looking at me makes me feel like a wild horse is trying to drag my heart right out of my chest. I swallow hard, finding it difficult to breathe.
“I think you should spend less time with Rex for the rest of your stay in Honeywell,” Liam says quietly when I don’t respond. Ican’trespond; that would require breath, and all the air has been sucked out of my lungs. “You can still see him. I’m not a total asshole, I don’t want to hurt either of you by keeping you apart, but…maybe it’ll hurt less for him if we start weaning contact now.”
Anger is simmering away in my stomach again. I want to say ‘so you’re not atotalasshole, just somewhat an asshole’ but that would be my hurt talking and I’d regret it. Instead, I cram my feet into my boots. By the time I’ve laced them up, Liam is holding my coat. I put it on and grab my purse from the floor, fishing out my car keys.
“Not long ago, you pointed out to me that I was scared,” I say, my hand on the doorknob. “And you understood because you were scared too. So I hope this is just your fear and maybe leftover fever talking, and that you’re not throwing away what we have because I can’t give you the answer you want right this second.”
I open the door, bracing against the gust of icy air that knocks into me. When I turn back, Liam is dropping his hand to his side as if he’d been reaching for me a second earlier.
