The girl’s face lights up. “That’s so fun! If I could just make a suggestion…” She leans across the table like what she’s about to share is top secret. “The farm gets hella busy on the weekends from here on out. It’s a huge draw for people, especially families. I know not everyone can take time off during the week, but if you could manage to come mid-week, you wouldn’t have to deal with crowds or fight off little kids for the best pumpkins.”
Gwen chuckles. “Iampretty particular about my pumpkins. Thanks for the tip. I’ll talk to everyone and see if we can rearrange the schedule.”
When all of us have our ciders in hand, Gwen tells us to hold our cups out so she can snap a picture. “First scavenger item checked off,” she says. Her eyes sparkle with a hint of mischief as they meet mine. “Have fun, you two. We’ll see you later.”
Something tells me Gwen’s ‘random pairings’ weren’t so random after all. I wanted to spend more time with Jasper anyway, so I can’t complain. We stroll in the opposite direction from where Gwen and Ivy have set off, their arms linked and heads bent close as they launch into conversation. I wonder what Jasper would do if I slid my arm through his. Probably fumble his hot apple cider and scald us both.
I pull out my phone as we walk. Gwen has already sent me the picture of our ciders, so I save it to my gallery. I switch over to the screenshot of her list and smile as I scan the items—random things like an animal wearing a sweater, a pile of leaves, Halloween decorations, live music—with the things that pertain to each of us mixed in. ‘Black cat’ is definitely for Ivy in honor of her cat Fiddlesticks; ‘something bookish’ is clearly for Lina; and I’m guessing ‘something nerdy or fandom-related’ is a nod to me.
I glance at Jasper. He’s holding his phone, although his eyes are trained on the road ahead. “Which one of these pertains to you?”
The slight tightening around his eyes tells me he just held back a wince. “I believe it’s the bank,” he says quietly.
“Oh.” My mouth stays open to say more, but no words come. I try to infuse my voice with lightness as I say, “The bank is up ahead on the corner of Campbell and Front, so that’s easy.”
We walk on in silence. Jasper has that faraway look in his eyes again. After a few more steps, I gently bump his arm with my shoulder. “Toonie for your thoughts?”
He gives a few hard blinks like he’s coming out of a daze. “I’m sorry?”
“You know how the saying is ‘penny for your thoughts’? Well, since we don’t have pennies anymore…” I trail off, shrugging. Canada discontinued the penny in 2013. To this day, I still miss finding a penny and picking it up or throwing them into wishing fountains. These days, I’d be more likely to go fishing for nickels, dimes, and quarters in fountains rather than throwing any of those coins in willingly.
Jasper releases a quiet puff of air I think is meant to be a laugh. “Clever.” He’s silent for a minute, making me think he’s gone back to his introspection until he says, “The bank. The thing my brother and his fiancée associate with me is abank. It wasn’t meant as an insult or a slight of any sort, and yet knowing that’s all they could think of in regard to me…it made me realize how little they know about me.”
After a minute of walking on in silence, I grip the sleeve of Jasper’s shirt and steer him onto the sidewalk, out of the flow of traffic. “I don’t know about you, but I can’t walk and drink at the same time,” I say in answer to his quizzical look. “Maybe we could just take a minute to enjoy our ciders.”
Jasper eyes me over his cup as he takes a sip of his drink. After swallowing, he asks, “Do you have siblings, Willow?”
“Nope, only child,” I tell him. Then, hoping opening up will encourage him to do the same, I add, “My parents divorced when I was thirteen, and it’s pretty much been my mom and me ever since. My dad decided to be a total cliché by getting remarried almost immediately, starting a new family, and basically forgetting his old one existed.”
“That must have been difficult,” Jasper says.
“It was. But we all have ourthings, right? You know about Gwen’s family—her mom leaving when she was little and her dad dying shortly after she finished college. Ivy’s parents both died when she was young, and she was raised by frigid relatives. And you…well…”
“Iwasthe frigid relative,” Jasper says. At my skeptical look, he tilts his head, conceding. “Okay, not necessarily frigid. Terrified to suddenly find myself the guardian of my two youngest siblings. Worried I’d somehow mess up and they’d hate me forever. Grieving over the loss of not only my parents, but also the life I had to leave behind in order to take care of Hadley and Evan. I don’t regret it for a moment, but there are many things I’d change if I could.”
I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to hug someone as much as I do right now. Jasper’s eyes are hazy again, and I’m guessing he’s seeing the past in his mind’s eye. Trips down memory lane aren’t always pleasant.
“I’m not sure how much Gwen has told you, but for many years, my siblings and I only saw each other at Christmas,” Jasper says. “We always rent a house somewhere for a week or so around the holidays.”
“Gwen has told me about how everything changed last Christmas,” I say.
“Largely thanks to her,” he says. “She was a facilitator of sorts. She brought us together in a way we were never able to do ourselves. Every Christmas, the Perry siblings came togetherphysically—we had our traditions and we even had moments of fun—but then we’d leave our rented home and go about our lives until the next year.”
“But you’ve spent a lot more time together this year, right? Gwen and Evan have visited you in Toronto and you’ve come here. Hadley lives with you now and Evan has gone with you a few times to therapy. I bet a year ago you wouldn’t have been able to imagine being at the hospital when your first niece was born.”
Some of the tension eases out of Jasper’s face as I speak. I’m not telling him anything he doesn’t already know, and yet it’s as if hearing it from me—a virtual stranger, someone not close to the situation—makes him see it more clearly. He’s even doing that almost-smile thing where his eyes and mouth soften.
“You’re right,” he says. “I’m grateful for the time I’ve had with them and that they’ve continued to include me in their lives this past year. It’s still novel and surprising and…wonderful. But a simple, innocent thing like this scavenger hunt shows me how little they still know about me. And how it’s largely my own doing.”
“How so?”
He makes a restless gesture with his shoulders and indicates he’d like to start walking again. I fall into step beside him. “I think part of me is afraid this is all an illusion. That a misstep or certain circumstances will cause things to go back to the way they were before, with the five of us only seeing each other at Christmas. Despite being the eldest of my siblings, they all have more of a life than I do—partners, careers they enjoy, hobbies, travel, a new addition for Malcolm and Sherée. And I…well, I…” He blows out a breath and crumples his empty cup in his hand. “I’ve been examining my life lately, and it’s shown me how small it is. How unfulfilling.”
Someone knocks into Jasper, causing him to bump into me. He angles toward me, reaching out a hand to steady me as I stumble to the side. We’re now somehow face to face, and his eyes are wide as they meet mine. My intense focus on what Jasper was saying has put me in a trance-like state for the last few minutes. The noise of the festival rushes back into my awareness, along with the constant motion and bright colors around us.
“Listen to me carrying on,” Jasper says. “I should give you all my toonies in exchange for this impromptu therapy session.”
The self-deprecating humor in his words surprises me and makes me laugh. His hand is still on my shoulder, warm and solid and comforting. I doubt he realizes it or I’m sure he’d have wrenched it away by now. He’d probably put more distance between us too, since we’re standing close as people surge around us. “I’m happy to listen free of charge. That’s what friends are for.”
