I take the longest shower ever. I think I’ve probably used half the water in Bellevue by the time I’ve washed my hair and scrubbed myself clean.
Kieran is sitting on my bed when I return to my room. He jumps up the moment he sees me and rushes forward. I meet him halfway and we throw our arms around each other, nearly knocking each other over with our momentum. I cling to his shirt, he fists my robe in both hands, and we hang on to each other like our lives depend on it.
“I’m so sorry,” I murmur against his neck. My voice is shaky, but I refuse to let any more tears fall. At least for now; I know more are inevitable.
Kieran releases me to cup my face in both hands. His gaze sweeps over my face, taking in every inch before he bends slightly so we’re eye to eye. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing.”
“I thought I was stronger, Kieran. I thought I was doing better, learning to adjust. But it’s just so unfair and it hurts so much and I’m so fucking angry. I can’t reconcile the person she was with…with the person I saw at Birch Hill. I can’t understand why these things happen and how they could happen to someone like her.”
So much for not crying anymore. Kieran gathers me close, holding me tightly. His heart beats hard against mine and eventually the feeling calms me enough that I ease my grip on him and we sit on the bed.
“I feel like I’m broken, Kieran,” I tell him. “I want to feel whole again. You deserve to be with someone who’s whole.”
He shakes his head almost imperceptibly and takes my face in his hands once more. “You deserve to be whole foryourselffirst and foremost. I’m in love with you, Meredith, broken pieces and all. I have my own broken pieces and you’ve helped me put them back together and heal. Now it’s your turn to let me help you heal.”
“I love you so much, Kieran.” I lean forward and press my lips to his. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’ll never have to find out. I’m going to be right here by your side for as long as you’ll have me. Hugh is already looking into therapists and we’re going to do whatever it takes to make you feel like your old self again.”
“What if…what if I never feel whole again? What if I never get back to the happy, sunny person I used to be?”
His eyes dart away from mine. His teeth catch his bottom lip and he gnaws on it for a minute, thinking. Finally, he says, “Maybe you won’t ever feel the way you used to. But maybe, given time, you’ll feel like a different person and you’ll learn to love her and live fully as her. I wish I could give you some sort of guarantee, but I can’t. Just know I’ll love you—any version of you—even if that version still feels a little broken. And even if you can’t quite heal that broken part of you and you feel like you don’t shine as brightly as you once did, you’ll always be like sunshine to me.”
I turn his words over in my head. When Kieran said I might end up loving the person I become, something clicked into place for me. I have to accept the fact I may never be the same. But isn’t that what life is all about? Change? I’ve been so worried about not being the person I used to be, but maybe I’ll transform into a new, even better person. Someone I can be proud of. Someone my mom would be proud of. An equal partner for Kieran, keeping him anchored the way he’s done for me all this time.
A glimmer of hope flickers to life amid the darkness and pain inside me. My mom always said I was born to shine my light and shine it bright. I don’t think it’s a coincidence I fell in love with someone who calls me Sunshine, just like she did. I have a long road ahead of me, and if I’m completely honest, the thought makes me want to crawl right back into bed, but I’m not going to do that.
I’m going to be strong and I’m going to find that inner light again, no matter how long it takes.
