“This has been wonderful, but I should get going.” Despite aiming for a breezy tone, my voice shakes slightly. Kieran takes my empty teacup and saucer and sets it, along with his, on the desk. He gets to his feet and offers me a hand. His palm is damp; if the way my fingers slip against his is any indication, mine is sweaty too.
“You’re officially off duty, Miss Cormier,” Kieran says quietly. He releases my hand and crosses his arms over his chest. I normally consider that a defensive position, but on Kieran it looks like a protective one. I feel like copying the gesture, if only to hold myself together while we say goodbye.
“Do you know what you’re going to do?” I ask. “Stay in Bellevue or go back to Ireland, I mean.”
“Mm, I’m going to stay. You were right—if I put in more effort, it might not be so difficult. I’m going to get a meal plan at the cafeteria and try to be more social. I think having friends would make being here easier.”
“That’s great, Kieran. Good for you.” My voice is high, reminding me of a schoolteacher praising a little kid. It makes me want to cringe.
He nods slowly. “I’ve really enjoyed our time together, Meredith. I-I wish things could be different.”
My eyes dart away from his imploring blue gaze, settling on where our shoes are sitting side by side in front of the bed. “I do too, Kieran.”
“So why can’t they be?”
“Because it’s too complicated.”
“Lifeis complicated.” His voice is firmer now, drawing my attention back to him. His arms drop and he loosely grips my upper arms, bending slightly so we’re eye to eye. “Why can’t we go forward from here?”
I swallow hard, racking my brain for a reason. I know therearereasons, but right now my heart is talking louder than my brain and it won’t shut up. “Because up until two minutes ago, you were paying me. This was meant to be a business arrangement and nothing more.”
“What if we’d met in a different way? Would it have been possible then?”
My mouth says, “We can’t know that,” while my traitorous heart screams ‘yes!’’ I gently free myself from his grip and bend to put on my shoes. With my head down, I say, “Look, you have some stuff to figure out and a life to really start living here. You’ve been given a new perspective, and even though your dad will clearly never support you, now you know your mother does. Maybe that’ll make it easier to start fresh.”
I straighten, pulling my cardigan around me tightly. I desperately want to continue avoiding Kieran’s eyes and what I’m afraid I’ll see there, but I can’t waver. Not now. “I like you, Kieran, and I’ve enjoyed our time together, but it can’t turn into something more. If I start letting down my guard and getting attached to clients, it defeats the purpose. I’m sorry.”
Something akin to despair flashes across his face. It’s gone so fast I wonder if I imagined it. “I’m sorry too.”
“I should go. You don’t need to see me out, I know the way.” Just before I make it to the door, he says my name. I turn and he’s standing a few feet away, looking lost. “This shouldn’t be so hard,” I say, almost to myself. “We barely know each other.”
He lifts his shoulders in a helpless shrug. I want to wrench the door open and run through the house without looking back. Instead, I close the distance between us. His arms open and I step into them, and we hug each other as if our lives depend on it. I lift up on my tiptoes, leaning into him so he takes most of my weight, clinging to me and holding me upright. I ignore the tears stinging my eyes, refusing to let them fall.
We remain locked together for what feels like an eternity. Over Kieran’s shoulder I see the streetlights come on outside; it’s completely dark now. I squeeze my eyes shut, gather the remaining shreds of my strength, and pull away.
Kieran whispers my name as my arms ease from around his neck. I freeze with my hands on his shoulders. Our eyes lock and hold. I have no idea who initiates it, but in the next second, our mouths meet.
The kiss is so soft and sweet it makes me want to cry. This whole damn situation makes me want to cry. I know I should pull away, yet my body has overridden my brain. And my brain short-circuits completely the second Kieran’s tongue sweeps across my lips.
From the moment our tongues meet, sensation takes over. We grasp at each other, me gripping the front of Kieran’s shirt in both fists, him squeezing my waist and pulling me closer. This is the hottest, most intense kiss I’ve ever had. I can feel it in every inch of my body, heating me with an electric desire that could light up the whole block.
It would be so easy to lead Kieran to the bed right now. To strip off our clothes and let our hungry mouths and greedy hands do all the talking for us. There are a million things I’d like to forget right now, and I’m sure Kieran would be right there with me, happy to shirk the responsibilities of real life for an hour or two.
But the sensible side of me—the voice that’s always in my head telling me to do the right thing—knows a round of hot, sweaty sex wouldn’t actually fix anything. In fact, it would likely create a whole new set of problems, and I have enough of those right now.
Kieran nips my bottom lip and it’s the jolt I need to bring me back to my senses. With a gasp, I pull away, immediately putting space between us. My back hits the door and I scramble for the knob, gripping it without turning it.
“I-I can’t, Kieran. I’m sorry.”
He scrubs a hand over his face and paces toward the bed, turning his back for a moment. His shoulders rise slowly as he inhales, then fall into a slump on the exhale. He turns around again, but stays where he is. It’s like an invisible line has been drawn across the room and we both know better than to cross it.
“I wish you nothing but the best,” I say, my voice shaking. “Please know that.”
He nods, his fingers idly running over his lips. I try not to let my attention drift there. “I wish you the same, Meredith. Truly.” He drops his gaze from mine, and I take that as my cue to leave. Or, more accurately, to flee.
I risk life and limb by texting Ivy as I fly down the stairs and out of the house. When I reach the sidewalk, I realize I need to get away from the house; I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to resist running back inside and straight up to Kieran’s room. I text Ivy again, asking her to meet me at the corner store at the end of the street.
Shivers race through me as I start walking. With the sun gone, the temperature has dropped, and I stupidly left my jacket in my car at Connelly’s. Drawing my cardigan tighter around me, I pick up the pace. I only have to wait a few minutes in front of the corner store before Ivy pulls up. She takes one look at me through the windshield, puts the car in park, and gets out to wrap her arms around me.
