“Well, that’s what I’m here for.” I inch closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder. A quiet sigh escapes him as he drops his cheek on the top of my head. Silence stretches like it did earlier in the car. Before, it felt like we were both kind of in shock, like we’d bonded over a weird sort of trauma and weren’t ready to talk about it. Now it seems like weshouldtalk about it.
“Howare you related to those people?” Out of everything I could have said,that’swhat comes out?
Soft laughter ruffles my hair. “Believe me, Sunshine, I’ve been asking myself that for twenty-nine years.”
My lips quirk at the nickname. I never thought I’d be okay with someone using my mom’s nickname for me, especially since I know I’ll never hear it from her again. It’s different with Kieran, though; he didn’t hear it from her and pick it up, he came up with it on his own. It reminds me of the days not so long ago when I would have thought it was a sign of some sort. Regardless, it’s oddly comforting. Everything about Kieran is oddly comforting.
“When they came in, it only took me a minute to understand why you wanted backup,” I tell him. “You’re just so different. I know a lot of siblings are polar opposites, especially when there’s a big age gap, but man…it’s some kind of miracle you’re as kind and thoughtful and funny as you are.”
His head dips a little, his chin rubbing against the top of my head. “Well, thanks. Like I said, I was always different. As I got older, I knew I didn’t want to be anything like any of them. Greedy and money hungry, doing things for show, making people feel small. My childhood was a lesson in hownotto act.” He sighs again, and I wait, getting the feeling he’s not finished.
He eases into an upright position, angling his body toward me. I do the same, meeting his blue gaze. “After all these years, I’m used to it. I hate it, but I’m used to it. The way they speak to me, the posturing, the way they treat me like a stupid child. That’s not even what bothers me.”
“Then what?” I ask.
He takes a slow sip of his tea, likely to buy himself a moment to think. I do the same, bracing myself and expecting to have to force down the milky tea. It’s not so bad, though. In fact, it’s actually kind of good. Kieran watches me over the rim of his cup. His mouth is hidden, but his eyes crinkle.
“Maybe I’ll make a tea convert out of you after all,” he says. I nod and take another sip, afraid to say anything and derail our conversation. His smile slips and he inhales deeply, releasing a shuddering breath. “Okay. What bothers me…whatreallybothers me is the fact there’s a part of me that thinks my dad is right. That I’m wasting my time here and should just move back to Ireland and work for him.”
“And be miserable? Live with regrets? Always wonder ‘what if?’” I try and fail to mask the incredulity in my voice. I hadn’t expected him to say any of those things. I study his face; he’s done a good job of wiping most emotion from his expression, but his eyes give him away. They tell me everything I said has already occurred to him.
“There are times when I feel like a coward,” he says softly. “Like I’ve run away from my problems and created a whole new set of them. Seeing my mum today…it’s only been a few months, but I’d forced myself not to think about her too much. Not to dwell on the way he treats her and the way sheallowshim to treat her.” He winces. “I’m not blaming her. She doesn’t know any different, and I know plenty of people stay with people who treat them like shite. But there’s a part of me that hopes maybe someday I’ll be successful enough on my own to take her out of that situation. To do what she can’t or won’t do, and what my siblings have turned a blind eye to.”
I swallow hard. I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to go with Kieran today, and yet mothers are a touchy subject for me. Maeve is so different from my own mom, who was vibrant and funny, said what she thought, and wasn’t afraid to stand up for herself. “That’s incredibly admirable, but you know it’s not your job to save her, right? You’re allowed to have your own life and live it how you want to.”
“Aye,logically, I know that.” He’s avoiding my gaze now, dunking a cookie into his tea and taking a bite.
“But your heart is a different matter?” I ask, and he nods. “Do you think you could be happy here? If you made a bit more effort maybe? I don’t mean that in a critical way, but you said yourself you don’t really socialize or do much beyond school.”
He tilts his head back and forth, popping the rest of the cookie in his mouth before finally looking at me again. “I think I could, yeah. The goal was always to return to Ireland, so I wasn’t too keen on getting close to people only to have to say goodbye. I suppose if I was happy here and found something worth staying for, I would. I love Ireland, but if I moved back, I’d want a fresh start. Somewhere away from my family, away from Dublin. I’ve never felt a true sense of home, so I could start over anywhere.”
Home. The thought makes me smile even as I blink back tears. Growing up, I always had a home in the traditional sense—a beautiful house I felt comfortable and safe in, where I never wanted for anything—but when I think of home in the truest sense, I think of my mom. Her smile, her musical laughter, her hugs that had the power to soothe and make me feel as if it was possible to heal any part of me that was broken.
When Kieran ducks his head to meet my eyes, I realize I’ve been holding my breath and trying not to cry. I sit up straight, plastering a smile on my face and laughing lightly. “Sorry. I was off with the faeries again.”
His lips lift in response, but the concern doesn’t leave his eyes. I suddenly wish I’d agreed to a shot of whiskey in my tea after all. On impulse, I rise up on my knees and reach across Kieran to set my teacup on his desk. I gently take his cup from him and set it next to mine.
“The day we met, you were curious about the cuddling aspect of my job at HTC, right?”
He’s eyeing me with a mixture of interest and amusement, his head cocked to the side. “Mm. Am I meant to cradle you like that football player you mentioned?”
The twinkle in his eyes draws a genuine smile from me. “Not quite. Here.” I arrange his pillows against the wall before leaning back and motioning for him to do the same. He seems wary as he settles in beside me. “This is meant to comfort and put you at ease, so if you’re uncomfortable at any time, we’ll stop. Sometimes it takes a few minutes to adjust and get used to just holding and being held. Okay?”
He gives me a nod, so I hook my arm around his shoulders and slowly draw him toward me. One of his arms goes around the small of my back, his hand settling on my hip. We shift and wriggle, our bodies pressing closer with each movement until his head is resting on my chest just below my shoulder, and our arms are looped around each other.
“Okay?” I ask again once we’re both still.
“Perfect,” he murmurs.
I rest my head against the wall and close my eyes, relaxing my body limb by limb and trying to clear my mind. Trying and failing, because all I can think about is how this is supposed to be platonic and it feels anything but. As much as I try to deny it andhavetried since a few days ago when I first met Kieran, something feels different with him. There’s this spark to him I haven’t seen in anyone else in a long time, something that piques my curiosity and makes me want to know more. His sweet boyishness has charmed me, and yet my body responds to him the way it would to a man I’m interested in.
I’m so screwed.
“This is nice,” he says after a few minutes. His voice is low, his words almost slurred as if he’s falling asleep. He’s on my left side, and his head is positioned in a way I’m sure he can hear my heart beating. When I was little, I loved sitting like this with my mom and listening to her strong, steady heartbeat. She always told me her heart beat just for me, and had since the moment I was born.
And there are the tears again. Great. Thoughts of my mom are never far from my mind, and I’ve accepted the seemingly permanent ache in my heart from missing her, but seeing the tumultuous relationship between Kieran and his family today has really stirred stuff up for me.
Kieran’s arms cinch around me, making me realize I’ve been tightening my own hold. Despite the fact I’m supposed to be comfortinghim, I wonder if the melancholy side of him I’ve seen since we left Luigi’s recognizes the same in me.
