"Things feel off between us. I think we need to talk. Really talk and open the conversation back up.” My voice wobbled as I spoke.
He set the pepper down on the corner of the desk, poking it away from the edge with the tip of his finger.
"Let's talk." He tried to sound casual, but the concern for where I was going with this was obvious in the way he couldn't quite meet my gaze.
"You said you loved me." Why was my heart racing? This was only a conversation.
"I said that I'm in love with you," he corrected me calmly.
"Is there a difference?" I asked.
"I think so. I love lots of things, but I'm not in love with them. Seriously love this team, love winning games, love when I'm having Lucky Charms and it's all marshmallows at the end. But I'm not in love with any of those things," he explained with a small smile.
"Sloan, I don't know what you want me to say to this. I've done the love thing. I've spent most of my life being in love with love. But it never worked. What we have here, it works without the love part," I said, earnestly. "It works."
"And I've fallen in love with you, so it's changed. Doesn't mean it won't keep working," he clarified.
He seemed so certain. Why couldn't I be certain, too?
"Maya," he said my name, and I knew whatever came next, it wouldn't make me comfortable.
"Are you in love with me?" he asked directly, searching my face for an answer.
"It doesn't even matter if I am, because that's not what we agreed on." I crossed my arms, then uncrossed them.
"Are you in this?" he pressed on. "Or are we just going through the motions?"
"I've been in this," I replied, hurt and ticked off that he'd imply I hadn't been.
"Things have changed. I want more," he said matter-of-factly.
"Sloan, this isn't what we agreed to," I reminded him, a sense of panic rising in my chest.
"That's why we're talking about it now, isn't it?" he reasoned.
"Is this because we're apart so much? Because there will be an off season, and the tour will end," I assured. "It'll be just like before."
"You're right. I realized I fell in love with you because of the distance between us and the way it feels missing you. But it only amplified everything I already felt. It didn't create the feelings." He stopped to think about that. "I don't want to live apart like this all the time. But I'm also not stupid enough to ignore the fact that we both have jobs that take us away from each other. That's just how it is. The reason you have to leave? It's part of why I love you. And the reason I have to leave? Pretty sure you get that it's not only a game to me. Football is part of who I am," he explained, his voice tinged with feeling as he spoke.
"What are you asking me for?" I finally asked. "What do you want from me?"
"I… I just want to know if you're in this." He seemed so vulnerable with the way he fidgeted with the pepper shaker on the desk. "You aren't in love with me? I can live with that. But know that it doesn't change things for how I feel about you."
"Yes, yes, Sloan. I'm in this.” I said the words, but even I didn't quite believe them.
"If something matters to you, it matters to me," Sloan reassured. "Don't doubt that. Don't doubt the way you feel, either."
"This was always supposed to be a marriage of convenience," I said. "But it's not feeling very convenient anymore, is it?"
He scanned the room, his eyes meeting mine and then falling to the pepper shaker. "I wanted no expectations. I meant it, and I expect nothing from you, either, other than we're honest with each other."
"I came because we need to decide if this—if us—still works," I said.
"Is this a breakup?" he asked, point blank.
I moved to him, then, until we were right there in each other's personal space.
"This is not a breakup," I assured. "I'm not leaving you. I'm not ending anything. This is like a… heads up for us both."
