“I can make you come until you agree,” he said with a wry smile that seemed a little like a dare.
Her ovaries practically started cheerleading for him to win the match.
“I’m not seeing how I would lose in this situation?” She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, bit on it to remind herself that there was a reality outside of this bed. This apartment… “I don’t want to leave. This place, it’s so…”
“I know.” He pressed his forehead to hers. “I know, Sam.”
A forehead touch turned into more and things heated again.
“I can come back on a weekend or two, but maybe you come hang with me as well?” he suggested. “How about you stop in for a few visits? Come see some of the shows.”
She wanted to, yes. But Sami Jo at Brek’s Bar in the corner was one thing. Sami Jo at a Dimefront concert was asking for trouble.
“You don’t just decide one day that you’re ready to make a change.” She tried to pull away, but he stopped her. Was he an ass for doing it? Maybe. But he’d do it again.
“That’s exactly what you do,” he assured. “Especially when you’re in self-induced purgatory.” He leaned up on an elbow. “What’s the worst thing that could happen? Everyone finds out that you’re Sami Jo. What is it you’re so afraid of?”
“You want a list?”
“Sam, it was a long time ago.”
“And yet, it still follows me.”
“I want that list,” he said, brushing her hair from her forehead. “Because I think if you say it out loud, maybe you’ll see that it’s not as big as you remember.”
She felt like a cat someone poked with a hot match. But she didn’t act on it. Didn’t screech about all the reasons. Instead, she sat up. Pulled the blanket to her chest. Gave herself a bit of a shield about what she had to face here in this bed with him.
“I am afraid that doing my best will not be enough,” she said. This was the truth.
“That doing my best will make everyone laugh,” she continued. Also, the truth.
“And then I’ll be stuck as the butt of their joke.” She turned to him, caught his gaze, and forced him to hold hers.
“I am afraid people will follow me,” she said, her voice cracking as she said the last word. “Because that happened. I had a guy who hounded me, just because I am Sami Jo. So creepy. Then he followed my mom. This was at the same time there were people online on the message boards saying that I didn’t deserve my share of air. People get so weird about this stuff.” She swallowed. “Do you know how hard that is to hear that somebody thinks you shouldn’t be breathing??”
Tanner reached for her hand. Held it in his.
“My dad cashed out part of his 401(k) to buy security cameras for the house and take me out of public school. He left work early to go with my mom to the grocery store so she wouldn’t be scared.”
Ashley knew all of this because she’d lived through it with Sam. But Sam had told no one else. It was the deep, dark secret she kept right down in the pocket of her soul.
“And during that whole time, I gave up everything I thought I wanted to be. I stopped singing. I stopped writing songs. Did you know I have an entire book of finished and half-finished songs I think are pretty good?” She pointed to herself. “But I can’t put them out into the world because I don’t want to be afraid.” She heaved a deep breath, then kept going.
“So I work with a generation who doesn’t know Sami Jo. They don’t care that she ever existed, and they don’t worry themselves about my inability to sing.” The tears fell now, like a summer rainstorm that didn’t want to stop.
“Sam, enough,” he whispered, wrapping her in his arms. Pushing his forehead against hers.
“You, Tanner, have had real trauma. Mine is nothing compared to yours.”
“Stop,” he said as he gripped her face between his palms, gently but not allowing any movement. “I messed up. This is a big deal. I get it.”
Dammit, she was going to snot all over him. But he didn’t seem to care. He pulled her against his shoulder. Held her there, making shushing noises like he could make it okay.
If only he could make it okay.
“You can’t make it okay,” she said as tears chased each other down her cheeks. For the first time in a long, long time, she cried with someone else in the room. Usually, she saved her pity party sessions for alone time in the shower. But Tanner got the full force of it. Her chest heaved against him, and not in a sexy way. Not at all. This was messy and raw and… gah, she needed to get herself together.
But he’d scratched at a wound that opened up, gushing the truth all over them both.
