“Please tell me you stopped filming,” April said, low with a dose of wobble.
“You’re still live,” the camera guy said, monotone, like this was just another day at the office for him.
Oh. Oh. Hell-o.
It’s okay. It’s okay.This was fine. She could recover. She’d come back from worse. Hadn’t she?
“It’s really okay,” April said, looking straight into the camera. “I mean, I’ve been through so much worse than this. I’m getting through it.” She needed to remove that pitchy quality from her voice.
Rohan ribbited in apparent solidarity.
Rachel managed to single-handedly whisk the kids away. Thank goodness. April wasn’t sure precisely where they went, but Rachel would make sure they were safe. Probably somewhere with Pete the dog.
“I’m getting through it,” she said again. Maybe to herself? Maybe to the camera guy? Maybe to anyone watching the live feed. “Mysonpresently thinks he’s afrog. But I’m right there with him, helping him through it.” She paused. Only briefly. “But you know what? He’s got the right idea. I want to be a frog.” She looked around and shouted, “Where’s my fairy godmother so I can be a fuc—reaking frog!”
Rachel had apparently dumped the kids somewhere, because she was now kneeling next to April.
“Okay.” She wrapped her arm around April. “We’re going to turn off the video now.” She gave a look to the camera guy. “Now.” Nothing happened. “I said, now,” she used her mom voice. The one April knew so well because she used it, too.
“No, you know what?” April said, waving her hands in front of the camera. “Let ’em film. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? My husband leaves our family for someone else? A younger, even more cliché someone else? Oh wait, that happened. I didn’t matter to him. My feelings didn’t matter.” Her chest heaved with each passing second. “Or maybe I’ll have to borrow a dog because mine is so old she can’t get stressed out? Yup. Did that. Because things have to march on, right?” Her blood pressure totally spiked. “Oh. Or we could potty train for four months and literally go backward with our progress? That already happened, too.”
April now knew what it was like to have her blood pressure get so high, she saw spots. That wasn’t a good thing. Spots in vision were a very bad thing.
“Do you know what I learned when I googled the crap out of how to get your kid to use the potty?” She waited. For what? She didn’t know. Probably the sarcasm to finish dripping from her words. “I learned that urine is sterile. All this urine.” She waved to the puddle. “Totally sterile. Did you know that urine is sterile?”
“Sweetie, stop.” Rachel turned April’s face so they were eye to eye. She shook her head. “Stop.”
Like a rubber band snapping back, April was done with this out-of-body-whatever that had happened. And, oh dear, she really did wish she could be a frog.
In that moment, the grocery store floor still did not open up and swallow her whole.
No, she just kept falling.
Chapter Three
“I just overheard a mom say this to her kids and I about died laughing!! The kids were acting up and one was sticking her head through the back of a chair. The mom quickly said, ‘Stop that, that’s how people end up on the internet!!’”
—Stacey, Kansas, United States
Jack
Urine is sterile?
Jack froze in place at his desk in his corner office of a Los Angeles high-rise, his eyes soldered to the monitor where April’s fledgling career was mid-implosion. His mouth hung open and his pen dangled between his index finger and thumb. He noted all of this with utter clarity, even as the numb that started at the center of his face spread throughout.
Automatically, he turned his gaze to the comment feed he’d been monitoring. The comments were now coming so quickly, he couldn’t keep up.
Thisis calm?
Well,she’s doing her best.
Thisis her best?
Forsomeone who says to stop and take a breath, she’s not exactly doing it.
Thedog isn’t even hers? What the hell? Don’t lie about pets.
Arethe kids her kids? I bet she lied about them too.
