Marlee set Lothario on the polished floor so she could do a thorough analysis of all the brands. There were so many. All different prices. They said they tested at different times.
The elevator music coming over the speakers was not helping her focus.
Why was this so confusing?
“The digital ones are easier to read, but this one uses lines and says it’s more accurate. Also, cheaper.” Heather held up the two tests, one in each hand.
“I took, like, six just to be sure.” Velma started stuffing pregnancy tests in the red shopping basket she held on her forearm. “We’ll just buy a bunch.”
“Drink up.” Claire held another bottle of water for Marlee.
Marlee’s bladder was already through with this game of drink all the water. Could she just pee on something already? “Let’s just grab a couple. Whatever. The pink one, I like pink.”
Pink could be her lucky color.
Lothario, apparently feeling the stress of the day, started going to town on a cardboard tower display of Durex condoms. Which, Marlee might add, was a really stupid thing to have right next to the pregnancy tests. A not-so-gentle reminder that if you forget this, you’ll need that.
“Not the time, Lothario.” Marlee tried to pick him up, but he wasn’t having it. He scurried from her reach, attacking the opposite side of the display with gusto. Apparently, he was really intoIntense, Ultra-Fine, Ribbed and Dotted Condoms with Delay Lubricant. Too into them. The cardboard display started to rock.
“No,” Marlee whisper-screamed.
There were moments in a person’s life when it seemed things just couldn’t possibly get worse. Those moments when their fiancé left them, when they woke up married to the caterer, when they were pretty sure they got knocked up by said caterer. In those moments, one should always remember that a chihuahua with a single-minded determination to defile a condom display can, in fact, make things worse.
For Marlee? That moment was happening in real time. Right then.
Lothario got going so fast the whole display tilted. She lurched to grab it, slipping on the polished floor and falling face first into the display.
Surprisingly, condom displays made for a fairly soft landing.
Not surprisingly, condom boxes went flying. Twenty-four count Durex flung clear down to the Hershey’s bars in the candy aisle.
“Shit.” Marlee scrambled to clean the mess, scooping boxes into her arms.
Velma and Heather scooped right along with her.
“Are you okay?” Velma asked. As if Marlee could even possibly answer yes.
She had an armful of condoms, a basket filled with pregnancy tests, and a dog who wouldn’t stop humping that particular box of Durex. “I don’t think I know what okay means anymore.”
Claire tried to get the cardboard stand to…well…stand. It wasn’t working. The thing was bent beyond repair from Marlee’s spill onto it.
“Try this.” Velma scooted a case of Pampers to hold up the display.
And, really, the store should thank Marlee for this illustration of what could happen if you didn’t go with the twenty-four count pack.
Now, there are moments when you’d really like to be alone. And then there are moments when you’d really like to be with your girlfriends. And then there are moments when you’re not sure what you’d like, but you absolutely know that the one thing that could make this moment worse was—
“This is my dream. I’m going to be a great-Babushka.” Babushka stood with her hands pressed to her cheeks.
Marlee’s lungs totally stalled out. She gulped for air. Lothario barked. She glanced at the abundance of condom boxes in her arms, Velma’s, Claire’s, and then she looked at Heather. Heather who held the red plastic basket brimming with pregnancy tests.
Apparently, Marlee had a full night of testing ahead.
Babushka’s hands were now pressed together like she was praying on Sunday. Two elderly women Marlee hadn’t met yet flanked either side of her. One leaned against a cane, the other held on to a walker with two bright yellow tennis balls stuck to the bottom.
“Babushka, hi,” Velma said like this were a totally normal situation.
Heather’s jaw went slack, and she dropped the basket. A dozen pregnancy tests skidded across the aisle. Not quite to the Hershey’s bars, but Heather hadn’t had the same running start as Marlee trying to catch Lothario.
