Jase was already in the room, a stunned expression on his face.
“How’d you get in here…?”
A dozen elderly women—and Marlee—were threading together what appeared to be decently large orange silicone penises with some kind of fishing line.
Eli’s expression must’ve mirrored Jase’s.
“I’m not even sure what to do with this,” he said to no one in particular and everyone all at once.
“Hey, honey.” Marlee held one up to Eli, gripping the shaft so the tip pointed toward the ceiling. “It’s arts and crafts at the senior center.”
“You’re supposed to be at work.” Jase glowered. “We have customers.”
“Looks like she is at work.” Eli avoided looking at the way Marlee held the shaft of the orange penis. His dick was starting to get a little jealous.
“You told me to watch your grandmother and make sure she doesn’t get into trouble. This is me doing my job.” Marlee clipped off the end of the thick fishing line she’d run through the rubber balls. She handed the dick to the woman on her left. The white-haired woman grabbed hold of the shaft and spun it over her head like a pair of dildo nunchucks.
“These are good.” She dropped them into a box at the end of the table.
“Whoa.” Heather finally got through Harry at the door. “Why didn’t anyone call me?”
“Ven you give me great-grandbabies, I vill tell you things.” Babushka didn’t use scissors to cut the thread on her own penis nunchucks. She bit it off with her teeth. “Also, you vould have told this one.” She shoved her thumb toward Jase.
“Well, now he knows. What are we making?” Heather sat next to Marlee, grabbing a penis by its orange shaft and ignoring the grandbabies comment.
“Tree decorations,” Marlee said.
“Marlee tells us vat her fiancé does. Ve vill decorate his trees,” Babushka said like this was a totally normal thing to do. “Two days and he calls off the vedding? He is bad man. Bad men get their trees decorated.”
“It was all Babushka’s idea.” Marlee tilted her head toward Jase’s grandmother.
“Mar.” Eli shook his head. “I really don’t want to bail you out of jail today.”
“Technically, they’re my trees, too. And they can’t arrest me for hanging dildos from my own trees. I’m pretty sure there’s a law about that.”
“Tell me you got legal advice before you jumped in on this.” Eli rubbed at the bridge of his nose.
“Sadie said not to get caught.” Marlee did the one-shoulder-shrug thing she did right before she made bad decisions. Pole dancing, marrying him, hanging dildos from her ex’s trees. “But she said if we do get caught, they’re my trees, so we won’t get in trouble. That’s why I’m here. I don’t want the ladies to go rogue without me. I’m their get-out-of-jail-free card.”
“For fuck’s sake.” Jase sat next to his grandmother. “Don’t do this. Can’t you go back to that game you ladies play with the flyswatters and the balloons?”
“No.” Babushka bopped him on the nose with an orange penis.
Eli had seen some weird shit in his years on this planet. But he’d never, never expected to see Babushka bop his buddy on the nose with a giant orange dick. The laugh bubbled up his throat; he only wished he’d caught it on video.
“Holy crap.” Heather’s mouth was open wide. “Your grandmother just whacked you with a dildo.”
Jase turned pale, then pink. He stood, knocking over the metal folding chair so it collapsed. Stumbling to pick it up—but struggling as it fell open, then closed—Jase finally laid it against the table edge. His chest heaved.
“Eli, looks like you’ve got this under control. I’m going back to work.” Jase beat it to the exit, knocking over another chair in his hurry.
Eli had nothing under control in this situation, but it was fucking funny, so he wasn’t going to go back to his empanadas just yet.
“You’re still paying me for this,” Marlee yelled after Jase. “I’m still at work.”
Jase didn’t respond.
“He’s still paying me,” Marlee said to the room, her gaze landing on Eli.
