It was just that, for a little while, I’d gotten to add someone to that number. And now he was going away.
“I don’t want to compete with it,” I said. “I want him to be happy.”
“Oh,” Dad said, shifting his weight. “You’re in love.”
It wasn’t any kind of question. He knew.
I grunted, finally sipping my own beer. I could barely taste it, too busy thinking about the look on Felix’s face before he’d turned away.
“Yep.”
“Told him that?”
“Nope.”
“Coop—”
“My feelings aren’t his problem,” I interrupted, sharper than I meant to. “Sorry,” I apologized reflexively. Dad was only trying to help.
He nodded is acknowledgement, and we both sipped our beers in silence.
“So are you planning to spend the rest of your life never getting close to anyone again, or is it just Felix who scares you?” Dadspoke up again just as I’d been starting to think he was going to let it drop.
I looked up, meeting his eyes. He held my gaze. Waiting.
For the most part, Dad treated me like the adult I was. Right now, though, I felt like I was twelve years old again.
“You moved here eight months ago,” Dad said. “And all you’ve done is work and take care of Benji. Now, those are admirable things,” he continued, holding a hand up to stop me before I could object. “And God knows that kid needs someone on his side. But you haven’t even made a friend since you got here. Do you think that’s sustainable?”
“I’ve got?—”
“Me, and your mom, and Benji, of course, always,” Dad said, softer. “That’s a very small life, Coop. I don’t want that for you. I’m not saying it has to be Felix.” He reached out, covering my hand on the counter with his own, squeezing it lightly. “Although if I could gift wrap him for you, I would, because you light up like the sun whenever he’s so much as mentioned around here. I’m just saying that at some point, you have to let someone else in. And that means taking the risk that they’ll hurt you, or leave you. Love wouldn’t mean shit if it didn’t come with that risk. I don’t think I raised a coward. I think you’ve done a lot of brave things for Benji’s sake, and ours, too. Don’t you think it’s time you did something brave for yourself?”
I chewed on my lip, shifting uncomfortably on the stool. Dad was probably right. He normally was.
I wasn’t sure that meant I could take his advice.
Laura had died on me, and that wasn’t her fault, but it still hurt. Aaron, who I’d been sure I’d spend the rest of my life with, had given up on me the first time things got tough.
Felix…
Felix, I couldn’t think about too long without flinching. It hurt too much.
He wasn’t going to stay. I couldn’t give him what he wanted. That was that.
I drank the rest of my beer in one long pull, eyes watering by the time I was done.
“Thanks, Dad,” I said, dropping the empty beer bottle into the recycling once I’d stood up.
“Hey, Coop?” Dad called after me. I paused as I reached the kitchen doorway, half-glancing over my shoulder.
“I love you,” he said. “I don’t say it enough, but I love you.”
“Love you, too, Dad.”
25
FELIX
