Because I loved him, and love meant doing the right thing even when it felt like your heart was being ripped out through your ribcage.
I could taste tears on his lips as we parted, but I wasn’t sure if they were his or mine.
“For luck,” he said. “Or whatever.”
I love you,I didn’t repeat.
Once was already too much.
“Go catch your flight,” he said, giving me a nudge. “Text me when you get the part.”
“I might not get it,” I said.
Ask me to stay,I didn’t say.
I didn’t say it last time, either. I’d fantasized about it, about having all my stuff ready to go, bag slung over my shoulder as I approached his truck. In the fantasy, he took the bag from me to throw it in the back, but then stopped and hung onto it and asked me if I had to leave, if I couldn’t just stay there with him.
Because yeah, Otter Bay was a small town. Too small, back then. But if I’d had just that one thing—just Ward, and nothing else—I could’ve been happy.
The thing was, I didn’t have him. If I had him, he would’ve asked me to stay.
“You’ll get it.” Ward took a step backward, putting some distance between us. “But you’ve gotta go.”
I was glad he was strong enough to do that, because I wasn’t sure I would have been.
He was right. I had to go. I’d promised Astrid I’d do it, and she’d believed in me when no one else would, given me a shot when I needed it most, gotten me my first jobs. This could have madebothof our careers.
I had to go.
It was just that all I wanted to do was run back to Ward and beg him to take me home.
* * *
I foundLA exactly as I left it. Full of the sights and sounds and smells of humanity, bustling like an anthill, big and wide and strange.
It wasn’t until someone shoutednice shirtat me that I realized I’d stolen one of Ward’s. I’d just put it on this morning.
Ward hadn’t said anything, either. I wondered if he’d noticed.
I wondered how he was. He’d be home by now, wouldn’t he? Probably at work.
Ryder:got here safe
Ward:good
Ward:flight okay?
Ryder:as okay as flights ever are
I stared at the exchange until my phone screen faded to black by itself, and then pocketed it to look for the car Astrid had sent.
There was a first time for everything, I supposed. Normally I had to find my own cab, but this…
Things were changing. This was the big break I’d been waiting for.
It was a good thing. It was what I’d wanted. What Ward had helped me to get after what could have been the end of my career.
The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach was probably excitement.
