Me kissing Ward.
* * *
It wasthe end of the world.
“It’s not the end of the world,” Seth said, serenely peeling a banana like my life wasn’t over, leaning back against his slick marble kitchen counter.
The smell of coffee brewing made my nose twitch, but I wasn’t sure my stomach could take it right now, no matter how much my brain wanted it. I shook my head when Seth waved the pot at me, watching him deepthroat the banana he’d peeled with a kind of fascinated horror.
Astrid was going to kill me. Ward was going to kill me.
I’d have to get a job in a supermarket or tending bar or something and people would stop me from time to time and sayhey, don’t I know you?until I went grey and stopped looking like myself.
It wasn’t that I minded the regular job part—regular jobs were good and noble and more important thanmyjob in terms of keeping civilization running—it was the thought of being recognized because of the last few days forever that was making my stomach feel like it was trying to eat itself.
The look on my face must’ve been broadcasting what I was thinking loud and clear, because Seth gave me alookas he tossed the banana skin in the countertop compost.
“What did Ward say about it?”
Ah.
Yeah.
“Umm.”
Seth looked at me expectantly for the three heartbeats it took him to figure out whatummmeant.
“Oh my god you didn’t tell him,” he said.
The tips of my ears felt like someone was holding a blowtorch to them.
“It was bad enough that I kissed him! You want me to tell him that it’s also all over the internet now?”
“Well yeah, I wantyouto tell him before he finds out independently,” Seth said. “Because then he’s gonna do that sad puppy look and I can’t take the sad puppy look, even if it’s not directed at me. Justknowinghe might look like a sad puppy makes my heart hurt.”
I looked down at my hands clasped together on the kitchen table, knuckles white.
I’d screwed up. And then I’d screwed upagainand dragged Ward into it this time.
My dad had been right about me after all.
“Don’t chew your nails,” Seth said a minute later, and I only noticed then that I was doing it at all. I’d always done it, when I was nervous or upset.
I had more than enough reason to be both nervous and upset right now.
The stupid part, thereallystupid part, was that I would’ve done it again. Even knowing what the result would be. For just a handful of heartbeats, kissing Ward had swept every other thought in my head away.
I would’ve done a lot of stupid things to feel like that again. Just for another few heartbeats.
Seth put a cup of coffee in front of me and then sat down opposite, leaning back with his arms folded across his chest.
For a little guy, he could be terrifying when he wanted to be.
“So to recap. You kissed Ward last night—”
“I didn’t mean to,” I defended.
I wasn’t sure what Ihadmeant to do—thank him for coming out with me like a normal person, maybe—but I hadn’t gone into it planning to kiss him. Kissing him hadn’t been on my to-do list.
