Relief flooded me as I curled my hand around the phone, holding it up to check my notifications.
“Just Instagram,” I said, and some part of me that I hadn’t realized was tense relaxed.
The last few days, I’d been checking my phone obsessively with a knot in my stomach, waiting for the next message from someone who was mad at me, or not taking this seriously, or sending me a surprise dick pic because I guessed they thought I hadn’t suffered enough.
Ward smiled a tired smile at me as I set the phone down, and I tried to enjoy it a normal amount.
Ward was bi.
That… that didn’t mean I had a shot with him. It also didn’t mean Iwanteda shot with him. Now wasn’t the time to think about having a shot with anyone. I had the smoldering remains of my career to consider.
Ward was bi though. That was definitely something.
“So I’m… half awake and my brain is barely running,” I said between bites of breakfast and sips of orange juice. “How, umm. How long have you been bi? Is that a stupid question? Am I allowed to ask that?”
Ward laughed, and he didn’t seem upset.
“I figured it out in college,” he said.
I watched his tongue dart out to catch a toast crumb for a second longer than I should have.
“Weren’t you still dating Liz in college?”
I focused on my own plate so I wouldn’t stare at him. Ward had been so good to me, but we hadn’t seen each other in years. Being awkward around him was new, but probably natural considering.
I didn’t want to make things worse, but I did want to talk. Really talk, like we used to.
I hadn’t had anyone toreallytalk to in such a long time.
“Yeah, kinda. Yeah, I was. I… I got home from this party and called her at like two in the morning and cried to her for a solid five minutes before I calmed down enough to tell her I’d kissed another boy and I was sorry and I really liked it, and she just listened while I poured my little heart out. And then she confessed to having a crush on a girl in one of her classes. I still remember talking to her until the sun came up and being so exhausted after but… just a little freer. She told me to chase up the boy I liked, but I never did.”
“Too shy?” I asked. Ward had always been the shy one of the two of us. I was the loud theatre kid not afraid of having everyone look at me, but Ward had pretended to be too sick to go to school once when he knew he was getting a photography award because he couldn’t handle standing up in front of all those people.
“Absolutely terrified,” Ward agreed. “What if he rejected me?”
“As if anyone’s ever rejected you.”
Shy he might have been, but everyone loved Ward—and for good reason, he was fucking perfect. Always the first person to volunteer to help, always kind and sweet. Ward was the kind of guy who helped little old ladies with their groceries and never forgot anyone’s birthday.
“You’d be surprised,” he said with a bashful little smile, not quite meeting my eyes as he finished up his breakfast.
He was beautiful. Beautiful the way sunsets after a storm and wild tigers were beautiful. Force-of-nature beautiful.
“I’d be shocked,” I said.
I couldnotafford to be thinking like that about him.
My phone went off again, which at least saved me from staring at the way the morning sunlight hit Ward’s hair so that he looked like he had a halo.
This time, it was a text message.
Astrid:what part of don’t do anything stupid did you not understand?
I frowned, and then before I could finish wondering what she meant, another message came through.
A photo.
Blurry, dark, and taken at a distance, but still unmistakable.
