The thought of that made me think back to Morgan’s hands on me last night. Morgan’smouthon me.
I owed him one for that. I would never have slept otherwise.
“It’s fine,” I turned to face Morgan, looking up into his face and smiling in a way that I hoped was reassuring.
He didn’t need to know how scared I was.
No one did. I couldn’t afford to show fear right now.
“Hey!” Brad called across the little courtyard between the cabins. “Come on, time’s wastin’.”
Morgan glanced up at the darkened sky, licking his lips as a roll of thunder rumbled overhead.
We were both getting soaked.
“I mean it,” Morgan said softly. “This isdangerous, Devin.”
“It’sfine,” I said, a little more forcefully. I couldn’t let myself freak out, and Morgan’s concern wasn’t helping.
If I was the only one who was worried, I could just tell myself that it was irrational anxiety. Nothing to worry about. Notreal. Just my brain playing tricks on me.
Hearing Morgan worry turned it into a real thing, a rational thing.
I couldn’t afford that. Not with Brad climbing into his SUV, waiting for me.
Waiting for me to chicken out like the coward he’d always thought I was. Waiting for me to fail, all over again, waiting for proof that I’d never amount to anything, that I’d never be anyone special, that I was barely worth the space I took up.
This would make meworthsomething. I’d have something to show for living twenty-six years. I hadn’t accomplished anything else.
If I won—even if Iplaced—I’d have something to show.
“Devin, you don’t have to. No one’s gonna fault you for not risking your life over some stupid competition.”
“Stupid?” I asked, the word hitting me like a slap to the face.
Was this stupid? Did Morgan think it was stupid?
Did Morgan thinkIwas stupid?
He was this… incredible, brilliant man who could recite poetry at will, who’d read so many books, who had a degree in literature and I…
I was a college dropout who worked at an outdoor store, struggled to read a menu, and was counting on a relatively obscure kayaking competition to be mysingle achievement.
Morgan got up at five o’clock every morning because he’d been running his own business for years.
I didn’t even want to be a store manager. I wanted Marta to do it.
Brad was right about me. I didn’t have any ambition. I’d never be anyone special.
Morgan must have realized that by now. Of course he would.
Crushes were justfantasies. There was a reason he’d never acted on it before.
He knew better. Everyone knew better than to date dead-end Devin, the incredible mediocre man.
“You almostdrowned, Devin. You almost drownedbeforethis storm started, and it’s been raining for two days straight. You gotluckyyesterday, can’t you see that?”
Lucky.
