“I want to,” I said, jaw tightening. Ididwant to. I wanted to be here for Devin, to do this one simple thing he’d asked of me, this one thing I’dagreedto do for him.
It was just that I couldn’t really control what I freaked out over, or when I freaked out over it.
“I wanna help you,” I said, trying to take a deep breath.
“Shh,” Devin soothed, squeezing my hand. “Give yourself a minute. There’s no rush.”
Why was he being sonicewhen I was screwing everything up?
I didn’t get it. He’d asked me for one thing and I wasn’t doing it, why was he even still here?
I wanted to say something—to ask him that, or to apologize,anything—but nothing came to mind.
We sat in silence a while longer—a few minutes this time, I thought, Devin’s thumb stroking the back of my hand, his fingers linked with mine, tucked away from the rest of the world.
This was nice. I could handle this.
“I used to have panic attacks all the time,” Devin said, voice soft.
Maybe that explained why he was being so nice.
“Sometimes they got so bad I’d throw up or pass out,” he continued. “I know how miserable it is. I don’t want you to doanythingthat makes you panic. So. When you’re ready, if you want, we can talk about what you wanna do. Whatever you wanna do.”
I licked my lips, grasping for words.
A bang on the door of the van and an unfamiliar face peering around it made me jump.
The face—not unattractive—broke into a broad grin, directed at Devin. “Julie told me you were hiding back here,” the man it belonged to said.
“Hey, Brad,” Devin responded, barely keeping his exhaustion out of his voice.
Oh.Thiswas Brad.
I held Devin’s hand a little tighter.
“I was just helping Morgan with something,” he continued, back straightening. Drawing himself up to his full pint-sized height.
Brad raised an eyebrow. “Isthatwhat they’re calling it these days?” he asked.
Shit.
This was it. However I responded now, I was stuck with that response. Either I could correct him, tell him Devin and I weren’t together, we were just friends, everyone had misunderstood—but then, Devin would be embarrassed, and it wouldn’t do anything to get this guy off his back.
So my only other option was…
“Sure,” I said. “You caught us just before we ripped each other’s clothes off.”
What was I saying?
What was I saying?
Brad’s mouth fell open, but I could feel Devin looking at me, too.
“Uh.” Brad looked between the two of us, stunned, and while some part of me was still panicking over what I’d just done—what I couldn’tun-do now—the rest of me did a little victory dance in my head.
This guy had hurt Devin. He deserved this.
“We were just talking about a grocery run,” Brad said, scratching the back of his neck.Good. I wanted him uncomfortable.
