When I turned to look at Felix, the urge to kiss him all over again welled up in my chest.
I pushed it down, but even as I did, a little voice in the back of my head saidfor now.
I was going to have to kiss Felix again. I wasn’t done kissing him, I hadn’t had nearly enough.
And that was huge and terrifying and I had every right to be nervous, but out here, I wasn’t. It was an easy thought to have.
I’d wanted to kiss Felix since I was fourteen and now we were both maybe in a place where that’d be okay.
“So,” I began, and Felix’s attention swung wholly to me with just that single syllable, the stunning scenery forgotten.
A swarm of butterflies took off in my stomach.
It was nice that he cared about me.Reallynice.
What could I say, here? How much was telling the truth, and how much wastoomuch?
“I’m not sure I’m actually straight,” I said.
This time, it wasn’t nearly as scary. This time, I felt like I could breathe.
Felix squeezed my hand, watching me intently.
“You’re allowed not to be,” he said. “You’re allowed towonder.”
“Iamwondering,” I said. That was it. That was as much as it had to be. Just… curiosity.
“Well… maybe we can help each other out, here?” Felix scuffed his shoe in the dirt. “You pretend to be my boyfriend, and we could… explore. The curiosity. At whatever pace makes you comfortable.”
Could we do that?
CouldIdo that?
It sounded like the solution to all my problems. Someone safe to experiment with, someone who’d keep my secret. If it turned out I wasn’t into it after all, Felix wouldn’t ever tell anyone.
And it wouldn’t matter later if the people I actually cared about knew I’d just been helping him out with the book thing. They’d all seen him upset.
I could do this without feeling like I had to make a decision and stick with it, like I had to justknowwithout any experience.
“You’d do that for me?” I asked. “Like, you’d be okay with… with…?”
“You’re my best friend and you’re not exactly repulsive. Besides, ask anyone, I’m not famous for being picky,” he said.
I rubbed the back of my neck. “No, me neither. I mean, I do have standards…” I trailed off, looking Felix over.
He was cute. Even if Iwasn’tbi, I could tell that. And I already wanted to kiss him, and he wasmybest friend.
“You more than meet them, obviously,” I added, remembering that I’d left him hanging.
“So nothighstandards, then,” Felix teased, grinning at me.
“Shut up. You’re perfect and you shouldn’t let anyone who doesn’t think so kiss you.”
Felix snorted, squeezing my hand again. “Perfect sounds nice,” he said, looking back at the falls, barely visible now in the failing light. “You got a plan for getting us back in the dark?”
I shrugged. “Phone flashlight and positive vibes?”
9
