Angelica: how’s it going?
Great. As if I didn’t feel guilty enough already.
Not just about not having started, but Istillcouldn’t stop thinking about Carter’s face when he’d said he could’ve used a bisexual protagonist when he was younger.
I’d pieced together more of the story after lunch, talking to him and Aiden, about how they’d gotten together, how unhappy Carter had been beforehand, how trapped he’d felt in a relationship that just didn’tworkfor him.
And then Carter had told me about his dad. His dad who’d been unhappily married foryearsbecause he wasn’t allowed to be himself.
I couldn’t go back in time and help them, but there were kids going through the same thing, right now. Writing this book the way I wanted to—the way I’d alwaysintendedto—would help them.
Writing it any other way felt like letting them down.
But on the other hand, not writing it atall—which I was currently doing—let Angelica down. Angelica, who’d taken a chance on me when I needed her most, who believed in me and my work, and who’d sent me away so I could focus on what I loved doing.
And Ididlove writing, and I wanted to keep doing it. It was just…
Angelica: I’ll take your silence to mean you’re working
My stomach knotted up instantly.
She deserved better than this from me. She’d been so patient.
Angelica: how’s the cutie, by the way?
I didn’t want to answerthat, either, but it was easier than talking about my writing progress.
With a mug of coffee in hand, I grabbed the blanket I’d been using to keep warm yesterday and threw it over my shoulders, settling down on the surprisingly comfy couch with my laptop in front of me on the coffee table.
Maybe if I wasnearit, I’d be more likely to get some work done.
Kieran says he’s not looking for a hookup right now
I couldn’t stop thinking aboutthat, either—the way he’d been so cryptic about saying he wasn’t gay, the fact that he didn’t actually seem to know any straight people aside from his own mother—and I didn’t even know for sure thatshewas straight.
Maybe I was reading too much into it, maybe Kieran had just started getting weird about the questionbecauseeveryone he knew was gay or bi. Could’ve been anything.
Even if my lonely little heart kind of wanted it to be a hint that I had a chance. A theoretical chance.
Seeing Kieran again really wasn’t helping with the whole loneliness thing. My New Years’ Resolution had been not to fill the void with empty hookups anymore, and I’d only broken it twice so far.
No, wait. Three times? Did it count if I was actively breaking it at midnight, or did I get the last one free?
Angelica was right about one thing: I was an awful role model and kids shouldn’t have wanted to grow up to be like me.
Angelica: I can marry him if he wants, I’m not getting any younger.
I don’t think that’s what he meant
Angelica: imagine our beautiful babies, though.
You guys would make beautiful babies, that’s true
I reached for my laptop and opened the draft, the same three sentences I’d written months ago staring back at me on the otherwise blank screen.
I had to do this. Ihadto.
Why was it sohard?
