“He’s not what I pictured for me, either,” I said. “But…”
“But he’s right. Yeah, I know. Watched you dance with him for ten seconds before I realized I definitely wasn’t getting another chance.”
Shit, was Ithatobvious?
Maybe. I liked Aiden. I liked Aiden… more than I ever remembered liking anyone.
I’d told Mandi I loved her all the time, because that was what you were supposed to do.
I couldn’t say it to Aiden, becausemeaningit was terrifying. Really meaning it, meaning it as inyou’re important to me and I want you in my life always.
Which was how I would’ve meant it if I had the courage to actuallydothat.
Mandi laughed, a pretty, tinkling sound that reminded me again that it wasn’t her. Not really.
It was me. I was no more right for her than she was for me. And now that we both understood that, it was okay.
“God, I wanna be gay,” Mandi said. “Boys are too much work. Girls are so pretty.”
“If I’ve learned anything this week, it’s that youcanbe. If you want. Not actually as scary as I thought it’d be.”
“Because you’ve got an adorable tattoo artist with the most gorgeous crooked smile to practice on,” she said. “Besides, to my constant dismay, men are actually what do it for me.”
“Me too,” I said. “I mean, and girls, but…”
“You like Aiden better than me,” she said. “It’s okay. I’m cool with it. I’m objectively hotter than he is, you just have terrible taste,” she joked.
“Yep,” I agreed. “Think I’m in love with him.”
Mandi nodded, tucking the vape pen back into her bra and rearranging her admittedly great breasts so it wasn’t obvious she was keeping it in there. “I’m quitting my job,” she said.
“Better offer?”
Mandi shook her head. “Had a little nervous breakdown at work. Might’ve slapped my boss. The company accepted it as stress related and a genuine medical condition and I think he kind of got off on it, but…”
“If stress made you slap a guy, that’s too much stress,” I said. Mandi was a lot of things, but hot-tempered wasn’t one of them. She’d hold a position until everyone else gave up because they were too tired to argue with her, but she’d do it without raising her voice.
She’d never lost an argument in her life, and I’d never seen her eventhinkabout hitting anyone.
“Yep,” she said, looking down at her shoes in the snow. “So. That corporate career I’ve been building all this time… maybe it’s not for me. Maybe I’m not cut out for it.”
This was what she’d wanted to talk about.
“It’s just…” she continued, breath turning to fog as she sighed. “It’s the only thing I have in my life, and I’m gonna turn thirty in a little over a year, and what do I have to show? A Xanax prescription and a beautiful apartment I might struggle to sketch a floorplan of. I hadyou, for a little while, and it was nice to have someone to come home to and you cooked for me more often than my vibrator does. I can’t get a cat because it’d starve. I can’t even be a sad cat lady because I don’t have time to keep onealive, let alone bond with it.”
“Does your vibratorevercook for you?” I asked, trying to drag her back from the verge of tears. Not because I didn’t want her to cry if she needed to, but because I knew how much she hated crying, especially with makeup on, especially in public. “Because that’d be incredible.”
Mandi sniffed, a broken laugh escaping her. “I forgot you were funny. I never appreciated you for what you were, and that’s kind of the point. If another Carter comes along… I don’t wanna screw it up this time.”
“You’re doing your best,” I said softly. “But you deserve to be happy. Fuck the career ladder, what doyouwanna do?”
“Travel,” Mandi said. “Fall in love. Fall out of love. Move to a small town somewhere and fall in love with a cattle rancher and get a cat.”
“Kinda noticing that none of that sounded likework,” I said. “And I know you can afford it, at least for a little while. You don’t get the chance to be happy every day. You oughta grab it while you’ve got it.”
“When did you get so smart?” Mandi asked.
I shrugged. “I’m an idiot, I’m just paraphrasing my dad. Life isn’t forever. Might as well enjoy it while you’re here.”
