I had no idea what to say to that. I knew where Iwantedthis to be going, but it felt like wishful thinking.
“I had the opportunity last week to be with the kindest, most generous, patient, thoughtful person I’ve ever known. He was so good to me that I didn’t know what todowith it half the time, it just seemed like too much. Like I couldn’t possiblydeserveit.”
I swallowed.Wasthis going where I hoped it was going? It sure was starting to sound like it.
“And then I threw it away. Because I kept telling myself that it wasn’t real, that I couldn’t have it, that this was all a temporary situation. Because I’ve never had itbeforeand I couldn’t imagine what it’d look like for someone to actually care about me for who I was, even while I was in the middle of it.”
“Carter—” I started, then paused as he raised a hand, eyes pleading.
“Let me finish?” He licked his lips nervously.
“Of course,” I said.
I wanted to go to him and wrap him in my arms and promise him that it was all real, that I was here, that he could come back to me whenever he wanted. But he had more to say, and he needed the chance to get it off his chest.
Not many people really listened to Carter.
“I ran into Mom on the way out of Kieran’s place this morning,” he continued. “Apparently Hallie told her it was all fake, and I guess in the beginning it was, but it doesn’t feel that way anymore. Not to me.”
Breath caught in my lungs.It’s not fake for me, either, I didn’t say, determined not to interrupt him.
But it wasn’t. It hadn’t been. Every minute I’d spent with Carter had made me feel like I’d found everything I’d been looking for my whole life. Someone who’d look at me and not see a screwup.
“She told me you didn’t deserve me and I’ve never heard a more ridiculous thing in my life. I walked away because IknowI don’t deserve you, I know I don’t have anything to offer. But you cared about me anyway. Only someone who’d lost their goddamn mind would be stupid enough to let someone like you go without… without telling you…”
Carter paused, reaching into his coat pocket. It took me a second to figure out what he was doing, but when I saw a flash of the badge I’d given him, I understood.
My heart swelled as I watched him pin it to his lapel, for everyone to see.
“I love you,” he said, meeting my gaze. “And I think that’s the first time I’ve said that and really meant it.”
Happiness welled up all of a sudden, spilling out of my throat as laughter while I closed the gap between us, grabbing him by the other lapel and sliding my fingers deep into his impossible hair.
Carter gasped, lips parting, a tingling wave of joy washing over me from the roots of my hair to the tips of my toes as I kissed him deeper. Every feeling I had for him poured into the kiss, every nice little thought on the tip of my tongue as it flicked at his lips.
His hands settled on my waist, squeezing gently, thumbs rubbing circles just under my ribs.
“Is that okay?” Carter murmured as I broke off for air, the tips of our noses still touching.
“Depends,” I teased, grinning at him. “Is it okay if I love you, too?”
The tiny hitched breath and wide eyes I got in response were all the confirmation I needed. Carter nodded, shyly, blushing that pretty shade of pink I loved on him, just in case I wasn’t completely sure he liked the sound of that.
I laughed again as he leaned in for another kiss, Carter’s nose bumping against mine in his eagerness. A hum vibrated in my throat, the pleasant warmth of arousal pooling southward, my belly tightening in anticipation.
“I don’t know what I want,” Carter said, resting his forehead against mine. “In general, I mean. But I know now that it has to include you.”
I couldn’t have stopped smiling even if I wanted to.
“I want you,” I said, because that was all I could think of. I’d spent all last night and all this morning with a gnawing hole in my stomach and I knew from experience that it was the kind that never went away.
Losing Carter would’ve broken me.
“And youdodeserve me,” I added. “I’m just a punk kid who’s always getting in trouble and used to smoke under the bleachers until the boy he’d been in love with for a year told him it was gross. Because I wanted to deserve that boy.”
Carter broke into a soft, warm smile that I wanted to see a hundred thousand more times. He curled his hand around the back of my neck, leaning in again as my eyes fell closed.
“You definitely deserve me,” he said.
