“So you’re just here to makeyourself feel better? Or because Mom sent you?”
Dad shook his head. “Your motherforbid me from coming out here,” he said.
I paused a moment to let thatsink in.
Dad hadnevergoneagainst what Mom wanted before.
“Kinda realized that maybeyou’re the smartest of all of us. That you got the worst of it, and maybe youcan see everything that’s wrong here. I came out here to apologize, for todayand every other day something like this happened. And to tell you that I’m okaywith… this.” He gestured vaguely between me and Logan.
“He’s got a name,” I said,not entirely willing to shake hands and make up just like that.
“Right. Logan,” Dad said,meeting Logan’s eyes for a moment. “I’m okay with him. He seems to care aboutyou, and it’s about time someone showed that they did. I wish—no, Iregretthat it wasn’t me. I’m notexpecting forgiveness.”
Logan offered the hand noton my shoulder to my father. They shook silently, neither of them trying tobreak the other’s fingers with their grip.
Logan was so goddamnperfect.I couldn’tfigure out how he managed to exist in the world without a choir of angelstrailing after him.
“I’d say it was an honor tomeet you, but I’m better at honesty. So I’ll say it’s been an experience.”
“I don’t expect you to likeme, either,” Dad said, demonstrating a lot more self-awareness than I’d thoughthe was capable of.
But then I’d never reallyknownhim. I knew heliked to fish sometimes and was disappointed that I was terrible at it. I knewhe cared a lot about college football. I’d gotten him ties and socksand mugs that saidWorld’s Best Dadon them forChristmas and birthdays and Father’s day, but…
In a lot of ways, we werestrangers. I knew Logan better than I knew my own father. I knew he lovedboysenberry ice cream and shots of caramel syrup in his coffee. I knew aboutMittens, the only pet he’d ever had, and what a bright spot in a dark timethat cat had been. Logan had cracked his chest open for me and let me see hisheart, what was really on the inside, all the parts no one else got to see.
I couldn’t have named myfather’s favorite ice cream flavor if someone had been dangling me upside downover a cliff and threatening to drop me if I didn’t spit it out.
It would have been easy toblame myself for that, but it wasn’t on me. I knew all that about my grandma,too.
Mom and Dad had kept me atarm’slength, and that was onthem.
“But I’m glad he’s gotsomeone like you,” Dad added a moment later, looking at the two of us. “And Iwant you to know that I don’t care that you’re gay. I’ve known a long time. Youdon’t need my approval, but you’ve got it anyway. You’ll always have it. You’remy son, and you’re the strongest of all of us.”
I didn’t know what tosay to that.
Dad looked at me for anothersecond, and then turned to leave.
“Wait,” I called after him,finally finding my voice.
He turned back cautiously,tensed as though he was expecting me to shout.
He’d had a hard time, too. Itwasn’t an excuse, but it was an explanation.
“Goodbye, Dad,” I said,desperately trying to stop my voice from trembling.
This was it. A final, cleanbreak from my old life.
It’d been a long time coming.
Logan pulled me into a hug astears stung at my eyes, my heart aching over all the things this meant. Notover losing my family, exactly, but over the knowledge that I’d neverhadit. Not the wayit should have been.
I’d never had a chance togrieve before, and now it felt as if the whole weight of my life so far wascoming down on me and Logan was the only thing holding me up.
“Not gonna cry,” I said,more to myself than Logan. I wasnotgiving any of them thesatisfaction of crying again.
I appreciated my dad’s apology, butit wasn’t enough. Not after everything.
My so-called family hadn’t earned seeingme like this.
