Dave had said somethingabout money, but Quinn didn’t seem like the kind of person with his heart seton a quid. He’d never mentioned it.
Quinn was silent.
“Vincent seems to think thisis what success is,” I continued, keeping my voice gentle. Maybe this wasn’t myplace, but I wanted Quinn to be happy. I wanted to see him smiling all the time,excited to do the work he was trying so hard to be good at.
Right now, he was walking atightrope. Not just walking it, but walking it on his knees, with a blindfoldon, and a monkey on his back thumping him around the ears every now and then.
I wanted more for him, and Icouldn’tsee why he shouldn’t have it.
“But I’m not so sure. Ithink… I think you’re miserable.”
“I have to work hard,” Quinnsaid, tensing up.
I was losing him. He didn’t want to hearthis.
But if Ilovedhim,then I owed it to him to be honest. To tell him I could see he was suffering,and to offer him a way out. Whatever that might’ve been.
“I know, but it should beworthit.” I paused towipe down his arm, shuffling around the tub to hold it up out of the water.
An excuse to hold his hand,really. I wanted to hold his hand and tell him everything was going to be allright, everythingcouldbe all right.
“My parents—”
“Sacrificed a lot to get youhere, I know. They sound like good people.”
“They are,” Quinn said. “Theydon’t even care that I’m gay.”
“That would be a minimumrequirement forgood people, yes,” I said. “Even mine managed to come around to theidea of bisexuality. And you know what good people, goodparentswant for theirkids?”
This time, Quinn shook hishead. When he looked at me, I could see how lost he was.
It wasn’t that he didn’twantto have thisconversation, it was that he didn’t know how.
That was fine. I’d had enoughdifficult conversations in my life for both of us, I could navigate both sidesof this one.
“They want them to be happy,”I said, wringing out the cloth into the tub. “You owe it to them to behappy. That’s what they wereworking so hard to ensure. Your happiness.”
Silence stretched outbetween us, and I filled it by shuffling to the other end of the tub andcleaning, gently as I could, between Quinn’s toes. I knew how hardthis was for him, and I didn’t want it to be. I wanted everything to be easeand sweetness and light.
“I can’t walk away,” hesaid.
Holding in the disappointedsigh that ballooned in my chest was a feat of Herculean proportions. I wasn’t disappointedinhim, I wasdisappointed in all the people that’d let him believe his suffering was a fairprice to pay.
I cleaned the other foot insilence, not sure what else to say.
“You’re mad,” Quinn addedafter a moment, curling in on himself a little.
It was only then I noticedthat I’dbeen scowling.
I let the sigh escape,forcing my features back to neutral. I didn’t want Quinn to feel badabout any of this.
“I’m not,” I said. “Not atyou, anyway. Just at everyone else. Everyone who’s hurt you. They’d better hopethey never give me an excuse to feed them their teeth.”
“My knight in shining armor,”Quinn said, a shy smile playing around his lips.
The way his eyes glinted inthe morning light would have brought a stronger man to his knees. I washelpless against him.
“Wouldn’t go that far,” Isaid, my own lip twitching to return the smile.
