I’d spent a few excitinghalf-hours kissing other boys and rubbing up against them through my pants. I’dput my hands on a couple of dicks.
And then nothing for years.
Never anything like lastnight.
But that wasn’t what I wasasking about.
“Ah,” Fox said. “To beentirely honest? It scratches an itch, but I don’tlikehookups. They’re… hollow. Havebeen for a long time. And yet I keep going back, because…”
“Because?” I prodded, dyingto know the answer but unsure about pushing Fox on a subject he might’ve beenuncomfortable discussing.
He’d been good to me, it onlyseemed fair that I should be good to him.
I took another bite of mypancake, the taste and crunch starting to grow on me. “I mean… you don’t have to tellme if you don’twantto, but… I’m listening. If you wanted.”
“Short answer, because it’slike putting a band-aid on the loneliness for a couple of hours. It feels goodat the time, the way being very drunk feels good at the time. Until you wake upthe next morning.”
“I’ve had one hangover in myentire life,” I said. “The novelty of drinking enough to end up that way woreoff for me pretty much instantly.”
“Smart man.”
“Thanks.” I smiled wryly,finishing the last bite of my pancake and taking another without thinking aboutit.
Sex was good for me, as itturned out. The sun seemed brighter, the pancakes tasted better, and theever-present knot in my stomach was all but gone.
“Thank you for telling me,”I said between mouthfuls of pancake. “You didn’t have to. I appreciate it.”
Fox opening up to me feltlike a rare and precious gift. He didn’t seem like the kind of person who wentaround wearing his heart on his sleeve.
“Well, you’ve been bravearound me,” he said, picking at a pancake himself as he gave up on trying tocook anymore of them. “Stands to reason I should be brave around you.”
“You were in the army.”
How could Fox be anythingbutbrave? Not only had he been in the army, he’d moved halfway across theworld and built a new life.
I’d moved as far as LosAngeles, and I never quite felt like I’d built a life here. I felt like I wasliving in a hotel, doing a job someone would realize I wasn’t qualified for oneday.
Fox ran hisownbusiness and looked for his own work and had friends he talked about all thetime.
Who did I have?
“And I was terrified more orless the entire time.”
There was that impossible, preciousvulnerability again. I hated to see Fox hurting, but I felt honored that he wasokay with hurting in front of me.
“I’m sorry,” I said,wondering what I could do for him to make him feel as safe and happy as he mademe whenIwas upset.
“I will accept a cuddle asrecompense, if you’re inclined.”
I almost fell on my assscrambling off the stool I’d been sitting on to get around the counter. ToFox.
If there were cuddles onoffer, I was taking them.
Fox laughed as he wrappedhis arms around me, squeezing me just a little.
Damn this was nice.
If I didn’t have to go towork today, I would have stood here until my legs gave out.
