21
As family Christmases went, Mike was glad that this one was at leastquiet. If he was going to be miserable, he preferred to do it without the rest of his extended family around him. The last thing he needed today was an audience.
Ideally, he would have preferred not to be miserable at all.
But since he’d just screwed up the best thing he ever had, misery was kind of inevitable. He’d spent most of last night curled up on his side, wide awake, his stomach aching with worry over how badly he’d hurt Ezra last night.
At the time, it’d seemed like the easy way out. Like theonlyway out, really. Even if he knew it was wrong, and he felt pathetic, and he hated the thought of hurting Ezra, he couldn’t see another way to handle the situation. He thought he’d been doing his best.
Now, though…
Mike hadn’t realized he could regret something this much. He’d never done anything in his life that made him hate himself quite like this did.
Because it wasn’t the first time he’d done this to Ezra. Ezra, who was supposed to be his best friend.
Ezra who he wasin lovewith.
No wonder Rachel had gotten tired of him. If he couldn’t get a simple thing like this right, how much else had he screwed up? Dating him must have been a nightmare.
“I really thought for a second last night that you were about to kiss that Ezra boy,” Mike’s dad spoke up, piling potatoes onto his plate. “Oughta be careful of him.”
Mike bit his tongue hard enough to hurt, trying to force his features not to so much as twitch. He wasn’t even sure anymore whether his dad was twisting the knife, or if he genuinely couldn’t imagine that Mike might be anything other than a hundred percent straight.
That was the thing, wasn’t it? That was why Mike had so much trouble coming to terms with his feelings himself. Being anything other than straight had never, ever been an option. It wasn’t even forbidden, it justcouldn’t be true.
Except Mike was pretty sure at this point that it was. That everything he felt for Ezra was real, and it wasn’t completely isolated, either. Ezra was just the only man it wassafeto be interested in.
How much had Mike missed out on by not realizing all this sooner?
Heshouldhave said something. He should have, and he knew it. Even if Ezra wasn’t here, he was Mike’s friend.
But if he hadn’t been able to text Ezra to tell him how sorry he was—Ezra, who was safe, and warm, and kind, and had treated Mike like he mattered—then how the hell was he supposed to stand up to his father?
The conversation moved on while he was worrying about it, his mom launching into the story she’d already told three times about how she’d nearly had to fight someone for the last bag of potatoes. Mike got the impression that she knew, too, but he wasn’t sure how she felt about it.
She’d been quiet, mostly, like she always was. She never bullied Mike like his dad did, but sheletit happen. She’d never stood up for Mike.
Probably, Mike had long suspected, because it meant she got a break from it. He couldn’t even bring himself to be mad about that.
Mike’s mind wandered, heading straight for the last really good Christmas he’d had—the one at the sanctuary, a few months before he’d left, when everyone had been there.Thathad felt like family.
They’d bickered and teased and given each other hell, but it’d all been out of love. There were no frosty silences, no jabs meant to get at someone’s weak spot, no tension hanging in the air.
And there’d been Ezra, showing up long after sunset and explaining that he’d been with his mom, serving Christmas dinner at the homeless shelter, and Mike remembered wishing that Ezra hadsaidsomething, because he would have gone, too.
Because he’d been waiting all day for him to show up, knowing they didn’t have much more time together.
Mike set his fork down, unable to eat anything else. He’d only picked at a few things anyway, his stomach too tight to actually want to put food in it anyway.
He missed Ezra. He couldn’t eventhinkabout anything except how badly he missed Ezra.
It’d been less than twenty-four hours since he’d seen him last, but that wasn’t the point. It was the knowledge that right now, he’d probably never see him again. And even if hedid, all the warmth between them would be gone.
Every moment they’d had, from the first time they’d met and Ezra had been so welcoming to the new guy, to all the times they’d just sat in each other’s company and enjoyed watching the world go by with a friend.
The stomach-swooping, giddy joy of kissing him would be gone, too. The way Mike had felt when he’d first pounced on him at the wedding, the fear and anticipation and excitement, even though he’d run away after.
When he’dfinallygotten his head together and gone back to apologize, and Ezra had kissed him and touched him all over, their skin searing marks into each other, that would be gone, too. It wasn’t about the sex, either, but theintimacy. The way they’d both felt so good together, the way their bodies had moved like they’d known each other for years—because theyhad, and it was so easy. So damned easy to justbetogether, finally.
