The problem with that was that he wasn’t sure hecouldkeep Ezra. Not if he couldn’t make up his goddamn mind about whether or not he wanted to be not-straight in public.
Which was the thing he was actually confused about, he realized. Not whether or not he wanted Ezra—he did—but whether or not he wanted all the stuff that came with that. Telling his parents. Telling the world. Losing the safety of being straight and walking into unfamiliar territory where he wasn’t sure he’d be welcome.
“I think you understood how I felt better than I did,” Mike said, since he couldn’t really saywhathe would have done if he’d known. If Ezra had ever made a move…
There was no wayofknowing. And regrets would just make him miserable, he was pretty sure.
Better to just accept the past for what it was and worry about the future.
“I think you’d make a great mom, for what it’s worth. If that’s what you want,” Mike continued, not wanting to think too hard about Ezra anymore. Not while he still had so many questions, while everything was still so new.
Especially not if Rachel had been afraid oflosingMike to him. It wouldn’t do either of them any good to dwell on that.
“That means a lot,” Rachel responded. “Thanks, Mike.”
Mike shook his head. “You never need to thank me for the truth,” he said. “And Rachel? I did love you. Really.”
Rachel nodded. “I know. I loved you, too. But between you and me? You were made for Ezra. Don’t… don’t tell him I was jealous, okay?”
“Secret’s safe. Probably won’t come up, but… if you see my parents, don’t tell them about Ezra. I haven’t, uh…”
“Got it,” Rachel agreed, tossing the pregnancy test box in her cart. “Secret’s safe with me,” she said cautiously. “But, uh. How long is someone like Ezra gonna want to be a secret?”
Mike swallowed. That was the question, wasn’t it? How longwouldEzra be happy with having to keep this all between them? How long until he started telling people?
“I have no idea,” Mike said honestly, his stomach sinking. “Kinda hoping I’ll figure something out before it’s a problem.”
To Mike’s surprise, Rachel’s answering smile was sympathetic. “I hope you do. You’re cute together. And I hear Ezra’sgreatin bed.”
The tips of Mike’s ears burned, but he couldn’t exactly say he didn’t know. Hedidknow, and Ezrawasgreat in bed.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Rachel grinned. “Seriously. Hang onto him. He’s perfect for you.”
“I want to,” he said, because right now, hedid. It was just that he wanted to hang onto Ezra without risking anything else.
“Look, I gotta go, but I’m only a phone call away too, okay?”
Mike met Rachel’s eyes, surprised but grateful. He needed a non-Ezra friend right now, while everything was swirling around in his head. Rachel seemed to be offering, and he wasn’t in a position to refuse.
Besides, itwouldhave been nice to be friends. Just like Rachel wanted in the first place.
“Thanks,” he said after a moment, still a little stunned by the offer.
“Merry Christmas, Mike,” Rachel said, smiling kindly.
Mike watched her turn and wheel her cart away, heading for the checkouts. “Merry Christmas,” he called after her, his mind already racing back to Ezra and all the answers he didn’t have.
