A one-off? The start of something? Maybe the beginning of an arrangement where they had sex sometimes and stayed friends, and that was okay.
Mike wasn’t even sure what he wanted the answer to be. He didn’t want to have to come up with it himself, but he knew hewould. He’d started this. Ezra was being gentle with him, but if he wanted more, he’d have to say so.
And if hedidn’twant more, then it was only polite to tell Ezra that instead of… dropping the whole thing cold. What they’d had yesterday definitely needed to be acknowledged, and treated with the respect it deserved.
“Mike,” Ezra spoke up as Mike removed the glove he’d been given, hanging it on a hook at the side of the aviary. “Listen, I know you’re… worried, and thinking a lot, but listen to me for once. There’s no deadline on figuring out what you want, okay?”
Mike looked over at him, embarrassed. He’d thought he was being subtler than that.
“We’ll still be friends no matter what,” Ezra continued. “And just for the record, Iamhappy to help you experiment some more if you want. We’re both unattached, we’re allowed to do whatever the hell we like. It doesn’t have to be weird or awkward.”
All of that was enough to make Mike’s head spin, but it was a relief to hear that Ezra still wanted to be his friend. That he hadn’t screwed upthatpart of their relationship, at least.
The world might have been shifting under his feet, but he’d still have Ezra. That was what mattered, really.
That was what he’d been afraid of since the first moment he realized hereallywanted to kiss him again. Not the only thing, but the big one. Losing Ezra all over again now would’ve hurt.
“I’m sorry I left,” Mike said. “Yesterday, and the night before, and… four years ago, too. You deserved better. I shouldn’t have just let Rachel… take over my whole goddamn life.”
“It’s okay,” Ezra said. “I mean that, I’m not saying it just because I don’t want you to be upset or anything. I was mad, and I figure there’s no point in lying to you about that, but I’m not mad now. I’m just glad you’re here. All I ever wanted was for you to be here.”
Mike nodded, turning that thought over in his head a few times. That was whathewanted, too, he was slowly realizing.
He’d never been as happy anywhere as he was hanging out at the sanctuary with Ezra and his birds. Nothing he’d done with his life before or since even camecloseto being as comfortable and freeing, nothing ever really feltrightthe way this did.
And he wasn’t sure he could ever really have this back, but dammit, he wanted to have it while hecould.
Because after Christmas he was going home to an empty life, and all he’d have were the memories he made while he was here.
Except he wasn’t sure if hedidwant the memory of kissing Ezra again, or the risk that, despite what he was saying, thiswouldruin everything. That if he wasn’t sure, then he couldn’t have anything else, because he could easily make both of them regret everything.
Which would leave Mike going back to an empty life on the other side of the holidays with a bunch of new, painful memories he’d rather forget, and even less to get him through the year ahead.
Why did everything have to be so goddamn complicated?
“I don’t know what I want,” Mike said, figuring honesty was the best policy.
Hewantedto know that pinning Ezra to the wall and kissing him breathless was the right thing, because that was the thing that kept flashing through his mind. It was the feeling in the pit of his stomach, in his bones, maybe even in his heart.
But his head wasn’t there yet. This was toomuch, and Mike wasn’t ready.
If he’d said all that, he was sure Ezra would have had some comforting response, but he wasn’t ready to hear it, either. He needed more time.
The only way he was getting that was to slow down.
And slowing down meantnotpinning Ezra to the wall right now.
It was the smart decision, but that didn’t mean it felt good.
