24
Oscar sighed as Spot nudged his leg, reaching out to pet her head as she made what seemed like a sympathetic noise beside him. EvenSpotcould tell he was miserable.
He hadn’t spoken to Ryan after telling him to leave on Monday. Now it was Wednesday, and he still didn’t feel any better about it.
Any time he had a free moment, one of Ryan’s rare smiles popped up in his head, or his laughter, or the way he’d been so charmed by the alligators hatching, or… a thousand other tiny moments that had been why Oscar had fallen for him in the first place.
He remembered Ryan shyly telling him that he thought maybe he was bi, the incredible trust that had taken, the precious gift it was. Oscar had been smart enough to treasure it at first, but then the second they’d run into a hurdle, he’d thrown that all away.
Ryan had been hurting. Panicking. And all Oscar had done was panicked right back instead of being supportive.
Oscar was starting to think he didn’t deserve nice things. Ryan was the first man he’d even been able toimaginefalling for in years. The first person who he thought could understand, who’d be safe, who…
Who he could love, and who might love him back.
As if that solved all other problems. Like the part where Oscar was still broken and scared of opening up, or the part where Ryan didn’t have enough self-confidence to fill a teaspoon.
“At least you’re stuck with me,” Oscar said, looking down at Spot. “If this place does go under, you can come live in my apartment. It’s small, but it’s not like I’m ever sharing the bed again, so…”
Spot blinked at him, then nudged his hand because he’d stopped petting her. She was demanding, but she never asked for anything Oscar couldn’t give.
Neither had Ryan. All he’d asked for wasloyalty. And while Oscar hadn’t broken that in the first place, he’d definitely screwed up by telling Ryan he didn’t want him if he wouldn’t just… act like what he’d seen wasn’t a big deal. Not after everything he’d been through.
That wasn’t loyalty. That did nothing to show Ryan how much Oscar cared about him. All it’d done was expose all of Oscar’s fears and left him running away when he should have been facing them.
“I’d offer you a penny for your thoughts…” May began as she stepped into the kitchen, heading straight for the coffee pot.
“But you wouldn’t want to short-change me?” Oscar smiled wryly, a pang of regret hitting him as he remembered where he’d heard that recently.
Ryan. Damn.
It hadn’t taken long for him to be an important part of Oscar’s life, had it?
“Something like that,” May responded. “Forgive me for saying, but you look like shit.”
Oscar snorted. “Yeah, well. I feel like shit, so I guess that’s fair.”
“He was a sensitive kid,” May said. “Shy. Little reluctant to roll around in the mud. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of that. But I kinda hoped he would have grown out of it by now.”
“Ryan?” Oscar asked, confused. “He’s… he’s okay. I don’t think anyone’s ever really… believed in him. He feels like… he feels like no one wants him around. Like he’s notenough.”
“I know,” May said. “I always wanted him to spend summers out here, but his mother wouldn’t even let me float the idea. She was overprotective. So now he bruises easy. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”
Oscar looked up at May, meeting her eyes for the first time since she’d come into the room. He saw a second mother in her, a woman who’d taken care of him when he needed it most and no one else could step up and fill the role. Someone he looked up to.
But he also sawRyan’s aunt, and shouldn’t that have meant she’d come down onhisside of this? He’d been afraid, twenty minutes after he’d told both their biggest donor’s son and the boss’ nephew to leave, that he’d be the one… actually leaving. The fact that it hadn’t happened yet felt more like an oversight than anything deliberate.
“Shouldn’t you be on Ryan’s side?” he asked, unable to contain the thought.
May raised an eyebrow. “There are no sides, here,” she said. “Just two boys I care about a lot who’re both hurting.”
Oscar swallowed, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. Right now, hearing thatsomeonecared about him was a little too much for his battered heart.
He’d been afraid to talk to Finn because he knew he’d just burst into tears, and he was tired of crying.
“I screwed this up,” Oscar said, knowing it was the truth. “You’re right. He bruises easily, and Iknewthat, and if I really loved him…”
“You do really love him, though, don’t you?” May asked. Except it wasn’t so much a question as a statement.
