“I’m trying to imagine the kind of person who, given unlimited access to your cock, would somehow… not want that,” Oscar said, since it was much easier than talking about what he’d really been thinking.
Ryan sighed, and Oscar panicked immediately that he’d managed to poke a still-tender wound. He’d meant it as a joke, as a light-hearted confirmation that Ryanwaswanted, that he was more than adequate, that his ex cheating on him had nothing to do withhimand everything to do withher.
“I'm sorry,” Oscar said in the silence that followed. “Forget I said anything.”
“No, it's not…” Ryan began, swallowing thickly. “I’m flattered, and I'm not upset, it’s just… I haven’t felt like someone wanted me formein a long time.”
Oscar made a soft, sad noise, lifting himself up to look Ryan in the eyes.
“It's okay,” Ryan continued. “It’s… fine. I just… we got married young, and I think it was because she wanted someone stable who could look after her, and I just wanted someone. Anyone. Someone to love me. I would have done anything to have that, and I thought I did. As long as I just kept being easy to get along with and never complained and did what I was supposed to do, I was lovable.”
“Jesus,” Oscar said, unable to hide his horror. His heart hurt for Ryan.
“I know, right?” Ryan said wryly, rubbing circles into Oscar’s back. “And you know what’s dumb? The guy she cheated on me with, he told me it wasn’t a good idea. Not in so many words, exactly, but he tried to warn me so many times that she didn't feel the same way about me as I did about her. And I didn't get it because I thought, y’know, we both wanted that relationship, right? So we did feel the same way.”
“But for different reasons,” Oscar said, one more piece of the puzzle that made up the surprisingly complicated man under him falling into place.
“Right,” Ryan agreed. He was silent for a moment, his breathing back to normal, the steady beat of his heart just barely audible in the quiet room.
“I don't know if anyone’s ever loved me,” he added, so quietly Oscar wasn't sure at first that he’d spoken at all.
The words sank in slowly, wrapping tight around Oscar’s heart and squeezing it painfully.
Someone should have loved Ryan. He was sweet, and shy, and his heart was good. He’d only ever tried to do the right thing the whole time Oscar had known him.
He deserved better.
Which was what made him so dangerous. It wasn't a stretch to say that Oscar loved feeling like he could help. Animals, people, there wasn't all that much difference, was there? All any of them needed was a little love and support.
And dammit, hewantedto love Ryan. In this moment, he wanted it more than air. He wanted the words to spill out, and to mean them, and for that to heal the wound in Ryan’s heart like he so desperately needed.
He wasn't there yet. Notquite. But he could feel it happening.
And maybe this was what he needed, too. Maybe he’d been avoiding getting hurt for too long.
“You're worthy of love,” Oscar said, because that part he was sure about.
The rest would keep. He’d told Ryan before that he didn't need to have all the answers. Maybe Oscar didn't need to have all the answers, either.
Maybe it was okay to justenjoythis instead of trying to balance keeping his distance with getting what he wanted. Oscar was just starting to think he couldn't do both, anyway. That getting what he wanted would have to mean getting close.
And for once, it wasn't the scariest thought he’d ever had.
“You too,” Ryan said. “You deserve to be loved too, I mean.”
Oscar sighed, letting Ryan’s larger frame take all of his weight again.
He’d get up in a minute, but he planned on savoring this right now.
