Grant had picked out the nicest tie he could find in the happiest shade of yellow they made.
“I can see yellow just fine,” he explained. “And your name is Sunny, so…”
He remembered what he’d written on the tiny notecard inside the box.Thank you for being my Sunshine.
It had almost seemed like too much at the time, too earnest, but Grant had written it anyway, because he’d thought Sunny deserved to know how he felt.
Now, his feelings felt like a burden, and that inscription felt like a parting note.
“I get it,” Sunny said. “Thank you.”
He leaned over and kissed Grant’s cheek, his lips cold even though the heating had been on in the car.
Grant realized for the first time just how exhausted Sunny looked. He felt the same way himself, but Sunny hadn’t really benefitted from the refreshing properties of being around your loved ones. He’d spent the day in the company of total strangers, and Grant knew that would have been draining for him.
Sunny was a more social person, better with people than Grant could ever hope to be, but even so. It had to have been hard.
How could he ask any more of Sunny than what he’d already given? Because it wasn’t as though Grant magically became an easier person to deal with once he was in a romantic relationship. Hetried, but he’d been trying with Sunny the entire time, and he’d still always asked too much of him.
And Sunny had given it willingly and without complaint.
And Grant had fallen in love with him.
He wanted to say so, but the words stuck in his throat. He couldn’t put that on Sunny. His feelings werehisfeelings, not Sunny’s problem.
It would have felt too much like a guilt trip now. Too much like begging him to stay, when Grant was pretty sure he wanted to go.
“I’d better…” Sunny nodded to the house, opening the car door a crack. Cold air blasted in, making Grant shiver.
He nodded, biting down on his lip to stop it from quivering. He was so close to breaking down into tears that he wasn’t sure he could afford to evenlookat Sunny, but he looked anyway.
This might have been the last he saw of him.
“Thank you. For everything,” Sunny said, climbing out of the car and slinging his bag over his shoulder. “I’ll see you in the new year,” he added.
That part felt like a lie. Grant wasn’t ever expecting to see Sunny again, and he could feel his heart tearing in two at the thought.
This was what people meant by their heart breaking. It wasn’t a clean crack across the middle, as though the whole thing was made of marble. It was like having half of it torn out of his chest.
Sunny waved back at Grant as he headed into the house, and Grant watched to make sure he got inside okay before driving off, his stomach in knots.
He wanted to be sick. He wanted to scream, and cry, and get out of the car and kick some mailboxes.
This felt like the biggest loss of his life, and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn’t keep Sunny if Sunny didn’t want to stay. Begging and pleading would just have been humiliating for both of them.
The fact that their feelings didn’t quite line up wasn’t something either of them could change. No matter what Grant did.
Some things just weren’t meant to be.
