Chapter Eleven
Gabriel’s stomach was in knots as he sat down on the examination table, unsure what to expect. He was grateful that Reid had agreed to continue treating him, but he was only now realizing how awkward this was going to be.
Reid hadn’t asked him to take his shirt off.
Reid was standing two feet away at all times, barely touching Gabriel as he examined him.
It was unfair to expect anything else, but Gabriel regretted losing the only caring touch he got these days.
That was his fault, though, and there was nothing he could do about it now.
“You look like you’re right on schedule,” Reid said. “Any concerns?”
Gabriel shook his head. If Reid had been anyone else, he wouldn’t have bothered with any more appointments. He felt better, he had more muscle tone now than he had before he left, and life was more or less back to normal.
He just didn’t want to give Reid up yet. Even though he’d screwed up with him.
Everything was just so confusing.
Every time Gabriel thought he had his feelings figured out, some other memory hit him, or a pang of doubt made his stomach knot up.
He had no one to talk to about it, either. It was just Gabriel, alone with his thoughts, unsure how to organize them.
He wanted to kiss Reid again, but he was pretty sure that was a non-option now.
He wanted to explore all of his weird new feelings with someone he trusted, but he’d screwed that up.
“I feel good,” Gabriel lied. Physically, he was fine, but otherwise, he felt awful.
Focusing on his work had been easy. Now that he’d gotten where he wanted to go, actually having to live his life was proving to be hard.
As much as he wanted to believe he’d have other chances, this had felt like his best one to find out who he really was, what he really wanted.
To finally let himself figure out who he was outside of his work. To be aperson, a whole person, not just someone barely existing in the single-minded pursuit of one goal.
It had been worth it, but the point of achieving a goal was that you got to move on with your life afterward. That it would improve things.
Gabriel had been hoping to spend some time working out what he really wanted.
Reid had seemed like the perfect person to experiment with, and now he wouldn’t eventouchGabriel.
“You look a little tired,” Reid said.
That would have been because he wasn’t sleeping all that well. “I’ve got a lot of work on,” Gabriel explained. It wasn’t untrue, but his workload wasn’t what was keeping him up at night.
Reid was keeping him up at night. The thought of his hands on Gabriel’s body, touching him all over, taking away all his pain, all his worries. And then, the memory of the look on Reid’s face after he’d kissed him.
Shock. Dismay. Not even a hint that he hadn’t hated it.
He was probably making Reid uncomfortable just by being here.
“I know this isn’t what you wanna hear, but you should try to reduce stress. I know you feel like you’re recovering, but your body just went through a traumatic event. Even if it was cool, it still took a toll.”
Gabriel sighed.
Why did Reid have to beniceto him? Why couldn’t he be mad?
Mad would have been a lot easier to deal with. Gabriel wasusedto people being mad at him.
