“You mean too much to me for me to risk losing you,” Ben added. “Please believe me.”
Sam swallowed, nodding slowly. “I believe you.”
Of course he believed Ben. Why would Ben lie about it?
He still felt a little sick to his stomach at the thought, but Ben wouldn’t hurt him. Not like this. Ben had never hurt him before.
“So… blackmail?” he said, trying to chase the last of the image out of his head.
He wanted to shove Ben down onto the bed and hold him there, kiss him all over, leave bruises. Mark him out as his own.
Sam shoved that impulse aside, focusing on what Ben was trying to tell him.
“Right. So she won’t tell you. Which is why I’m telling you.”
“Because you’re going after the story, right?” Sam asked. He should have known this wasn’t going to stay a relaxing weekend away. He’d been waiting for work to happen.
That was okay, though. Sam knew Ben well enough to know what he was getting. Ben without a story to chase wasn’t Ben at all.
“Right. And I’m hoping you’ll put up with me doing it.” Ben reached out, taking Sam’s hand.
Sam’s heart leapt at the tiny gesture. He’d never thought of Ben as someone who was prone to holding hands. This new, more intimate side of him was something he could definitely get used to.
“I know you,” Sam said. “I expect work to come first. You’re still my best option.”
“You sure? Because we’re at a retreat full of men in unfulfilling marriages, half of whom are probably secretly gay and terrified that their trophy wife is gonna figure it out. You could make some people very happy,” Ben said.
It was supposed to be a joke, but there was an undertone of nervousness to it.
That, more than anything, calmed Sam’s nerves. Ben wanted to keep him.
“I’m sure,” Sam said softly. “I’m not walking away again until you tell me to. No matter what happens. We lost too much time together, I don’t wanna lose any more.”
“You don’t come second to work,” Ben murmured, playing with Sam’s fingers. “You never did. I just liked dragging you along for the ride because I wanted to spend more time with you. I’m sorry I wasn’t braver about all this back then.”
“No more apologies,” Sam said. “You get a clean slate. All is forgiven. I’m not gonna be mad at you for being young when we met.”
Ben looked up, meeting Sam’s eyes. “Clean slate,” he agreed. “For both of us.”
Sam grinned. “I was hoping you’d say that, ‘cause I screwed up a lot, too.”
“No more apologies goes for you, too,” Ben said. “I don’t want to hear that you’re anything less than perfect.”
He lifted Sam’s hand up and pressed the knuckles against his lips. The tenderness of it stopped the comeback on the tip of Sam’s tongue in its tracks.
He was so in love with Ben he could barely function around him.
That was okay. Functioning was for people whose whole lives hadn’t all fallen into place at once.
Sam hadn’t ever thought past this point, but he could already tell it was going to be another big adventure.
“So I should keep pretending to be a little insecure about you, and you should pretend to be weirdly guilty? In public, I mean,” Sam said.
“That’s the game plan,” Ben confirmed, kissing Sam’s hand again before letting go of it. “I need more evidence than a verbal threat if I’m gonna report on this.”
Sam shrugged. “Then I’ll help you however I can,” he said.
Maybe work didn’t come first, but Sam didn’t want Ben to have to choose. He wanted to be the supportive partner he deserved.
