This suddenly all seemed like a terrible idea. On his way here—from the moment he’d bought his plane ticket—he’d told himself that he just needed to see Ben. That the most important thing he could do with his life, right now, was to go home and see Ben again.
Ben hadn’t had the last couple of months he’d just had, though. Ben was living his life, without ever seeing it flash before his eyes.
He had no reason to be excited to see Sam. Sam was just a ghost from the past to him.
This was all a huge mistake, and now he wasn’t sure how to get away quickly enough to save himself. He hadn’t even thought of anything to say.
The sound of the door opening behind him seemed like a gift from the universe. A distraction was exactly what he needed right now. Some way of escaping without making himself look like even more of an idiot.
He’d fooled himself into thinking that he’d have the guts to get on his knees and beg Ben to give him a chance. He’d fooled himself into thinking that Ben wouldn’t have his own life, wouldn’t have gone his own, separate way and thrived.
It was so obvious that he’d been fine without Sam. Much more fine than Sam had ever been without him.
“Eliot,” Ben said, his eyes lighting up so brightly it made Sam’s heart ache. That was a look that had been reserved for him, once upon a time. “I’d like you to meet an old friend. This is Sam Ellis.”
Sam turned to see a young man who, for a moment, he might have mistaken for the Ben he’d known ten years ago. Well, no—he was taller than Ben had ever been, and his eyes were a bright, clear blue instead of the stormy grey of Ben’s, but they were just as sharp.
It was more of an impression than a physical resemblance. He looked smart, and eager to succeed, and exactly like Ben had been at his age.
Maybe Sam was the one seeing ghosts.
“I know that name.” Eliot frowned, offering his hand. Sam took it automatically, but flinched internally as Eliot’s gentle fingers made contact with the scar tissue there. He couldn’t wear gloves in the spring in LA.
“He’s a photographer,” Ben said, as if that would explain it. Obviously, it meant that Ben had never mentioned him to Eliot.
Why would he have, though? Eliot was smart, and gorgeous, and clearly worshipped the ground Ben walked on, judging by the look on his face. He knew that look. He’d worn it himself.
He knew the look on Ben’s face, too. Ben loved this man.
Sam’s stomach turned. He’d walked into the middle of the worst-case scenario.
Ben had come out, come to terms with himself, and found someone else before Sam could get back to him.
That was entirely Sam’s own, stupid fault, and he deserved this.
He should have stayed. He’d thought that a thousand times over the years, but it seemed even more obvious now. If he hadn’t left, his heart wouldn’t be breaking all over again right now.
“That must be it,” Eliot said, though he didn’t sound convinced. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I can come back later,” he added, taking a step toward the door.
“No, uh. I was just dropping by to say hi,” Sam said quickly, seeing his exit. He couldn’t stay here. He couldn’t be in the middle of this.
It was selfish, and stupid, but he couldn’t help being either of those things. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Ben to be happy. He did. The thing he’d wanted most for the last fifteen years, more or less since the day they’d met, was for Ben to be happy.
He’d just wanted to be the onemakinghim happy, and it was hard to realize Ben had found someone else to fill that role. Especially when Sam felt like he needed Ben most.
It had been stupid to think he could rely on a man he’d abandoned when Ben had needed him most. He deserved to feel like this right now, but that didn’t mean he could stand there and let himself be tortured any longer.
“You don’t have to go,” Ben said. “You just got here.”
Sam swallowed. He hated to disappoint Ben, and Ben did sound disappointed.
“I’ll give you my card,” he said, digging one out of his pocket. “We should definitely catch up, if you want. But I really do have to go.”
“Oh.” Ben took the card, turning it over in his hand. “Well, if you have to go…”
“Sorry.” Sam smiled wryly, more confident now that escape was within reach. “I wasn’t even sure you’d be around. But I’m back indefinitely, so…”
“We’ve got time,” Ben said, nodding slowly. “Good. We’ve got catching up to do.”
“Absolutely,” Sam agreed, stepping toward the door. “I’ll see you around.”
“You will,” Ben promised. Sam could feel himself being watched as he left, and maybe he shouldn’t have been running away, but he didn’t feel as though he had any choice.
The moment the elevator doors closed on him, he breathed a sigh of relief. He could go away now and lick his wounds.
Maybe he’d have a little more peace once he’d had time to sit down with Ben and hear about how happy he was and how good his life had gotten in Sam’s absence.
Maybe it would be enough to know that Ben was okay.
