Prologue
Ten years ago…
“Thanks for driving me to the airport,” Sam said. It was the first he’d spoken since he got in the car in front of his apartment building.
Ben’s stomach was in knots. Sam was about to leave, forever, and he didn’t have the balls to ask him to stay.
“No problem,” he responded, smiling his most convincing smile. He knew Sam wouldn’t buy it, but he had to try anyway.
They were past the point where they had to tell each other the truth to know what it was. Sam was leaving because Ben couldn’t say one simple word.
Well, several single, simple words.
He couldn’t saystay.
He couldn’t saylove.
He couldn’t even admit out loud that he was attracted to Sam. He’d never been able to admit it, no matter how much he wanted to. The stakes felt so high.
Ben was sure Sam thought he was a coward. Sure he was leaving because he couldn’t stand to wait around while Ben grew a pair and came out of the closet, screw the stakes.
They could both have been getting on a plane today. Starting a new life together.
Ben’s heart ached with the knowledge that they weren’t going to. That they couldn’t. That he’d finally managed to chase Sam away so he wouldn’t have to deal with hisfeelingsanymore.
Sam took a deep, shaky breath, and let it out slowly. “Big moment,” he said. His return smile didn’t quite make it to his eyes.
Neither of them were happy about this. But maybe, without Ben to hold him back, Sam could have the life he wanted. The partner he wanted.
Instead of waiting around for someone who might never come around.
“I’ll miss you,” Ben said, his voice breaking. He wasnotgoing to cry in the middle of LAX. Not now. Not when it was too late to change anything.
Sam deserved better than him. He deserved better than someone who was so afraid of his own feelings he couldn’t admit them to the one person who they might actually matter to.
“Me too,” Sam said softly. “I’ll email you when I’ve got an internet connection.”
Ben nodded, not trusting himself with anything more than that. His heart was breaking, but he couldn’t afford to show it. Letting Sam go was the right thing.
Sometimes, the right thing hurt like hell. Ben’s father had often said that was how you knew it was right.
“Hey,” Sam nudged him gently. “This isn’t goodbye forever. It’s justau revoir.”
“Until we meet again.” Ben smiled wryly.
They both knew that was a lie. Their lives were splitting off in different directions, and that was the end of that.
“Right,” Sam said. “You won’t even have time to miss me. Promise.”
Ben took a deep breath, steeling himself and passing Sam’s other bag to him. “Okay.Au revoir, then.”
“You butchered that.” Sam smiled. Ben wasn’t positive, but he thought there were tears in Sam’s eyes, too.
“Yeah, well, some of us can’t get our tongues around that fancy French crap,” Ben defended. He’d never had Sam’s gift for languages, or his interest in them. English and the exact amount of broken Spanish he needed to get by in California had always been good enough for him.
“I’m not making any comment about what you can and can’t get your tongue around,” Sam said.
Ben swallowed. That was the problem, wasn’t it? There was a whole lot he couldn’t get his tongue around. Sam hadn’t meant it that way, but it still hit home.
