Running from his feelings, probably. If Noah went back to Joe, then Jace would never have to tell him how he felt. That was a much simpler solution than having to tell Noah that not only was he not straight, but he had a thing for him.
He’d been worried about Brian laughing at him, but Noah laughing at him would have been infinitely worse.
“I guess I did, but I’m looking for something different now. I just… Joe’s pretty and flashy and he’s a genuine self-made man, and all of that is really cool, but he’s not… what I want. Not anymore. Which is probably really boring to you, sorry.”
“No, it’s fine,” Jace said. “I’m happy to listen.”
“I dunno.” Noah sighed. Jace wasn’t sure if he was going to continue, but then he took another breath to speak.
“I guess I want… stability. I want someone who comes home every day and curls up on the couch with me and lives out a really normal, boring existence. All I want is to be loved by someone with kindness in their heart.” Noah laughed a strange, sad laugh. “I want you, basically, but the gay version of you.”
Jace turned to look at Noah just as he was getting his keys out. Their bodies were only inches apart, so close that Jace could feel the warmth rolling off Noah. He could smell stale beer, and aftershave, and the scent that was justNoah, one he couldn’t describe but knew from the way the smell of the apartment had changed. They were so close they were practically breathing the same air.
Jace’s stomach clenched. This was his moment. This was the opening he’d been waiting for, this was the perfect time to mention that actually, Noah could have him. He was completely into the possibility of curling up on the couch and living a normal life. He wanted the things Noah wanted.
Noah leaned in, and for an instant, Jace was sure he was going to kiss him. His breath caught in his throat, his heart started trying to beat its way out of his chest. This was what he wanted. This was so what he wanted.
He just wanted to be loved, too. By someone who got him as deeply as Noah did. Jace wasn’t convinced he’d ever find anyone else like that. Noah was it, and he couldn’t just give that up.
At the last second, Noah changed direction and leaned forward to pick something up off the ground. Jace didn’t even see what it was. He was too busy being disappointed and kicking himself for thinking that Noah meant he wantedhim.
What Noah meant was that he wanted someone he could be friends with. Noah made friends wherever he went, so that could be just about anyone. It didn’t have to be Jace. Just someone like him. Someone more to Noah’s taste.
“Yeah, I get what you mean,” Jace said.
Noah’s only response was a soft hum. Jace’s stomach sank. He’d screwed up his clear opening, but he couldn’t risk it. Noah meant the world to him, and he couldn’t risk losing that over maybe wanting to kiss him.
He didn’t know how he felt. Not really. What if he got to the part where clothes were coming off and freaked out? He couldn’t put Noah through that, and he didn’t want to go through it, either.
It was easier to be friends. What they already had was great, and Jace was stupid for wanting more. His crush on Noah was probably just loneliness talking, anyway. He’d get over it.
“I hope you find someone, someday,” he said eventually. “I want you to be happy. That’s why I’m doing this.”
He could almost convince himself that Noah being happy was enough.
Chapter Nineteen
Noah woke up in as bad a mood as he’d gone to sleep in. Rafe’s reappearance was still making his stomach hurt, fear that he’d be deported any second because Rafe had decided it was time to go to the authorities about him clinging to the back of his mind. He was still technically overstaying his visa, since his green card hadn’t come through yet, and wouldn’t for another couple of months at least.
He also remembered confessing to Jace last night that he was, in Noah’s mind, the perfect man, and having Jace more or less shrug. This marriage had been a terrible idea, though he couldn’t have known how quickly his feelings for Jace were going to develop into something more than a minor crush once they were together all the time.
He remembered moving closer to kiss him, and Jace gasping and backing away. That stung. Jace didn’t want to kiss him at all. It had been a joke to him when he’d tried to goad Noah into it. The idea of Noah wanting to kiss him was a joke.
The thought that the day couldn’t get any worse had just finished crossing his mind when Noah opened his email inbox to see an email from his mother with the subject lineYou got married!?
Noah didn’t have the patience to deal with life today. He ignored the email at first, instead responding to clients and catching up on the news, even though it was a Sunday.
Anything to avoid having to explain his sudden marriage to his mother.
She wasn’t going to be happy for him. She was going to be critical and judgmental, probably say some cruel things about Jace, and generally act as though Noah had done the worst possible thing he could have.
Noah didn’t want to talk to her. He’d avoided going back home to Montreal partially because he didn’t want to be close enough for her to come and see him in person regularly. He was much, much better off with her at a distance.
None of which she understood. As far as she was concerned, she was a model parent, gracious and giving, responsible for all of Noah’s successes in life. And absolutely none of his failures. Noah just didn’t want to have to discuss his marriage with her.
He couldn’t avoid her forever, though, and the longer he left it, the guiltier he felt. He had to respond. He had to at least read it.
Taking a deep breath, Noah clicked on the email.
