“Of course,” Riley said, still keeping his eyes closed.
Brent sat down next to him, copying his pose, his hands resting upturned on his knees. He hadn’t sat cross-legged on the ground since he was a kid, which made the whole position feel strange, but Riley was probably doing it for a reason.
Riley was a much deeper thinker than he made himself out to be.
Brent took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He paused for a few seconds, his heartbeat pounding in his ears, before realizing that he had no idea what he was doing.
“Uh. How do I, um…?”
Riley laughed softly, but it wasn’t cruel at all. “Close your eyes.”
“Already closed,” Brent said.
“Okay, so you want to breathe in through your nose, all the way down to your stomach. Completely fill your lungs.”
Brent followed the instruction, hoping the next one would come before he passed out from lack of oxygen.
“When you need to breathe out, you shouldcompletelyempty your lungs. All in one fluid motion.”
Brent waited until he couldn’t hold his breath any longer and let it out, feeling himself deflate as the air left him. He wasn’t sure what this was supposed to accomplish, but he was willing to try anything once.
“Your breathing should sound like waves crashing on the shore,” Riley said.
Brent took a few more deep breaths, slowly getting what Riley meant. When he got it right, it did sound exactly like waves crashing.
“Now what?”
“Free your mind,” Riley said.
“Free my mind?” With his eyes still closed, Brent raised an eyebrow. That was vague even for Riley.
Riley laughed again, a warm chuckle that made Brent’s skin tingle. “Just let it go. Don’t dwell on anything. The aim is to achieve perfect stillness, completely free yourself from all your thoughts and feelings.”
“Can you do that?” Brent asked. It sounded impossible. His mind never wanted to shut up.
“No,” Riley admitted. “But trying helps me deal with stress and makes it easier to think clearly.”
At least Riley couldn’t do it, either.
He wanted to ask if Riley was stressed, and what over, and whether he could do anything to help, but Brent felt he’d already interrupted enough. He didn’t know a whole lot about meditation, but he figured it was hard to do while you were talking to someone.
Instead, he filed those questions away for later.
The idea of not thinking about anything sounded amazing, and if that was even a possibility, Brent wanted to try it.
He focused on his breathing, on the sound of the waves crashing in front of him, the calls of the last few seagulls who hadn’t flown south yet carrying on the breeze.
His stomach tightened as the memory of standing at the altar, knowing he’d been stood up popped into his mind. Everything he’d been afraid of had happened, and he still didn’t understand why.
Brent liked to think he was a good, caring partner. All he’d wanted was someone to share his life with, someone to come home to, someone…
Someone to be his best friend.
Someone like Riley.
Riley was a way better train of thought to get on. It wasn’t exactly clearing his mind, but it was better than dwelling on the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that hadn’t entirely gone away yet.
Brent wasn’t totally unfamiliar with having romantic feelings for a man, but last night had been the first time he’d had any kind of non-fleeting sexual feelings. Riley was his friend, and Brent loved him, but he’d never really wanted to have sex with him before.
