That also meant he didn’t have the excuse of getting Oz to help him with them.
“I’ll be okay,” Seth said, not sure he was telling the truth. How could he ever be okay after giving this up?
Oz didn’t look like he believed him, either. “You take care of yourself, y’hear?”
Seth swallowed. “You too. Goodbye, Oz,” he said, fighting to keep his voice even and taking a few steps backwards, not wanting to take the risk of being near him any longer than necessary.
If he stayed any longer, he’d burst into tears. That would be awkward and uncomfortable for both of them, so it was better if he went now.
Oz tipped his hat at him as he left—despite what he’d said about not wearing it all the time, he clearly did—and Seth had to turn away, waving behind him as he headed for the doors.
A lump formed in his throat, and his stomach churned. This wasn’t how he’d expected picking up a cute boy at a family wedding would go.
If he’d known back then, he wasn’t sure he would have done it. Oz had been wonderful, and he didn’t regret a second of their time together, except that losing him hurt. It hurt like hell.
Take care of yourself.
The words were on a loop in Seth’s head as he worked his way through the steps required to get on a flight to leave. They were the last thing Oz had said to him. The final nail in the coffin of what could have been a beautiful relationship for both of them.
Take care of yourself.
Seth would have to. There was no one else to take care of him, not anymore. He was going back to a different life, and he knew it.
Change was fine. Good, even.
This change was in a class of its own, though. He wasn’t ready for it, didn’t want it, and couldn’t really see a way out of it.
He was glad Oz hadn’t said he loved him again. He’d shown it in every possible way, but he hadn’t said the words aloud after the first time.
Seth hoped he understood that this wasn’t rejection. That it wasn’t about him at all. It was just the way it was,and there was nothing anyone could do about it.
Well, no one but Seth himself.
He still didn’t like airports, but now he had a really good reason not to like them. This one felt cold and lonely, a condemned man’s prison cell right before he faced the executioner.
Maybe Seth was being dramatic, but this was the end of his life as he knew it. The moment he set foot back in New York, the moment he walked back into the apartment his father owned, into the life he funded… that was it. Everything would change, and not for the better.
The thought was enough to make Seth sick.
He took out his phone, opening up his and Oz’s last conversation. He remembered feeling like he was suffocating, feeling like he had to get out of town to breathe again.
Then he remembered how clear his lungs had suddenly felt when he was let into Oz’s apartment. The air was lighter in there, the feeling of imminent doom practically non-existent.
Oz’s bed had been warm, his apartment cozy, his company a balm for the soul.
And now Seth was walking away from all of it for…
Well, security.
But really, because he was afraid. Afraid Oz wouldn’t want him ten minutes after he threw his life away for him. Afraid that he’d never amount to anything and it was better to hide in his father’s shadow.
Afraid of being hurt. Like he’d been hurt a hundred times before by a hundred different people who looked at him and saw a trust fund baby with no thoughts or feelings of his own, no hopes or dreams, no ambition. Nothing worth loving or respecting or even treating with a little kindness every now and again.
Oz had never been like that, though. Oz had respected him from the moment they met, been kind to him every step of the way, and now…
Oz loved him.
Seth wasn’t going to do him the disfavor of refusing to believe him. It was hard to imagine anyone finding anything about him to love, but somehow, Oz had found something.
