God, Maddie…where do I even start?
The starting part has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and you know I’ve survived tequila nights in some sketchy situations.
(I hope you’re smiling now, because I’m about to start crying while writing the rest of this.)
I was smiling…
There’s something I need to say first, and I need you to hear it with that big, forgiving heart of yours.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the cancer came back. If anyone deserved the truth, it was you, because you were never just my best friend, you were my sister in every way that mattered.
But when I found out I was pregnant with Claudina…something in me shifted.
I didn’t want you giving me a soft, pitying look you get when your heart starts breaking.
I wanted you to celebrate with me.
I wanted to stay your Camila, glowing with pregnancy, not dying of cancer. I wanted you to see the real me, your dramatic, over-the-top, excited-about-becoming-a-mom bestie.
Not the girl everyone was quietly preparing to lose.
The family saw the changes, the exhaustion, the reality of it. But with you, I just wanted to be me. And I was selfish enough to want to keep that.
I’ve gone back and forth a thousand times while writing this, wondering if I made the wrong choice. Truthfully? I probably did. Because the one thing that hurts my heart the most as I write this is knowing I didn’t give you the chance to say goodbye.
So if there’s any part of you that feels hurt, shut out, or angry with me…
I understand.
And I hope with everything in me that one day you can forgive me.
Jeez, how depressing am I?
Enough of the heavy stuff. Tell me something, Maddie…
Are you in New York?
The tears are flowing down my cheeks, but I smile, nodding my head.
Because if you are, I’m smiling so big right now.
I hope you’re there, building your beautiful life exactly the way you always dreamed. I hope your name is attached to buildings that make people stop and stare.
You were always meant for big things.
I hope you go to all the places we used to talk about, the ones we swore we’d see together. Mykonos. Barcelona. A yacht trip down the Amalfi, where you wouldn’t have to wear a life vest, and where I absolutely would have spent too much money and blamed the champagne.
If you haven’t gone yet…go for me.
Live loudly for me. Say yes to the adventures for me.
And for the love of God, you better do it with my brother.
There’s one more thing.
By the time you read this, you probably already know I asked the boys to make you Claudina’s godmother. I know you have a funny relationship with religion, but to me, it was more for you to have an important title in her life.
