When I think back about the importance of it all, I have to wonder why there’s so much pressure put on work.
Sure, we need money to survive, and personally, I thrive in that atmosphere. But the way I acted when I was preparing to leave for Italy—bloodyItaly—for the weekend, as if London would implode in my absence, is no way to live.
I’ll always make it work.
I’ll always catch up on what I’ve missed.
What I can’t get back or make up for are the memories, the ones taken for granted until times like these where I’m lying here, depressed and alone, sleeping in the same pajamasyet again, never washing my hair or face, and ignoring my friends and the world around me.
Once my husband’s ready to talk, I’m going to make sure he knows how committed I am to having a better handle on my priorities—with my happiness and his being at the forefront.
It’s something I think we both can work at.
But for now, since he’snotready and I’m exhausted, I would prefer to sleep away the day so I don’t get lost in my horrific thoughts.
I lay my head on the pillow, cover myself with my quilt, then briefly pause, wondering why this feels different. I sit back up, and then it dawns on me.
Jack changed my sheets.
I drop my head, and if I had more tears to cry, they’d be pouring down my face. This shouldn’t surprise me, because this is Jack.
The man I love.
Even while he’s upset with me, going through what I don’t need to imagine is one of the toughest times emotionally, he’s still taking care of me.
If he let me, I would care for him too, but I know how Jack works. If he can’t talk yet, these acts of kindness are his way of showing me it will all be okay.
I press play onDownton Abbeyand eventually let my eyes close. And because of Jack’s sweet gesture, I drift into a peaceful sleep rather than the nightmares filling my head recently.
* * *
“Bugger off,” I grumble as I try to snatch my blanket back.
Wait, what?
My eyes shoot open to find Nora standing over me, staring daggers.
“What the hell are you doing, Nora? I was sleeping.”
She crosses her arms, annoyed. “Aye, you don’t think I knew that, considering I just woke you up? I’ve been sitting here watching your show for the last six hours and you haven’t even budged. It’s one o’clock, and you’re getting up for some lunch.”
I snuggle into my pillow, not wanting to leave. “I’m good. I have some food in the refrigerator.”
“The curry I saw there four days ago when I was here last? Thanks, but that’s just wrong.” She shakes her head, looking disgusted. “Up you get.” She grabs my arm.
“I’m not leaving the house. I’m sorry you wasted six hours sitting here. Why were you even here for six hours? Where are the babies?”
She starts cleaning up my rubbish and folding my extra blankets. “They were here most of the time. You were out like a light. They’re back home napping.”
I sit up and cover my face, groaning loudly. “I’m not in the mood.”
“Too bad. Now go shower. You smell disgusting.” She pushes me from behind to lift me off the couch. “You know what? You can shower at Sadie’s.”
This is the last thing on earth I want to do. Why is she pushing me?
What if Jack comes home early and I’m not here?
“Nora,” I say, my voice breaking. “I don’t want to leave.”
