I look at him. This man. Sitting at his kitchen table researching my gaming stats because he has decided that if this is my world then he is going to learn it, properly, with the full attention he brings to everything he loves.
I kiss him. Once. Twice. He doesn't move. Just sits there and lets me kiss him with the patience of a man who has all the time in the world.
Later. The ring light is off. The room is dim. The monitor dark.
I sit in my gaming chair for a moment. My real face reflected in the dark screen. Unfiltered. Not performing anything for anyone.
I've spent my whole life being different versions of myself for different rooms. BrattyBaby for the stream. Good daughter for my dad. Competent professional for the subscribers. Funny, sharp, managed Billie for everyone else.
The filter is off. The stream was public. Declan is in the other room. My dad knows. Cian knows. My chat knows my face.
I'm just Billie.
Turns out that's enough. It always was.
27
28 Declan
Amonth.
Ronan calls Billie on a Thursday, four weeks after he told me to get out of his house. She's in the kitchen when her phone rings. Her face changes. She says "Dad" and takes it into the other room and closes the door.
I don't follow. I don't listen. I sit at the table and wait.
She comes out twenty minutes later. Her face is careful. Not devastation. Not relief. Something in between.
"He wants me to come for dinner," she says. "Tonight. Just me."
"Okay."
"Are you okay with that."
"He's your dad."
"That's not what I asked."
I look at my coffee. "I'm okay with it."
She crosses the kitchen. Puts her hand on my chest. Palm over my sternum.
"I'll be here," I say.
"I know." She kisses me once. "I'll call from the driveway."
She calls at nine forty-seven. I answer before the first ring finishes.
"How was it," I say.
"Hard." A pause. "Real. He asked about the baby."
"What did you tell him."
"That I'm due in March. That it's a girl. That I'm keeping her."
The sound that comes out of me is involuntary. Small.
"You didn't know it was a girl," she says.
