The words shattered something inside me that I'd been trying to protect.
"Then why the fuck are you here?" I barked, backing away with my lip curled in disgust.
He didn't answer. He just stared at me, his eyes still dark and unreadable.
"You a fuckin' coward," I uttered quietly, the words slipping out before I could stop them. "You're standing here telling me not to feel something I can't control, but you won't even be man enough to admit that you feel it too."
His jaw clenched so hard I thought it might crack. Tears kept spilling down my face, dropping to my chest. I was filled with a heavy hurt that couldn't be tamed.
"I'm not asking for more from you Syx, but don't do that?—"
He took another step back, a little further this time, and ran his hand over his face like he was trying to wipe away the weight of my words.
"You need to make a decision about the remainder of your stay Nyne. My obligations have been fulfilled."
My mouth gaped open in shock.
"I gotta go," he muttered, turning toward the door.
"Of course you do," I said bitterly. "That's what you do, right? You run when things get too real."
He paused, his hand gripping the doorframe, his silhouette a dark shape against the light. As he walked away, leaving my heart in pieces on the floor, I stood in the doorway, momentarily thinking he might turn back and utter kinder words.
Chapter Eight
Everything weighed so heavy in this moment and I was beginning to feel the downside weighing me down, and it was all my fault. It was Emma's fault too, because she pushed me to click on the button without allowing me to contemplate harder on what it'd feel like being here and if this is really the place for me. I don't know why I set myself up for the façade only for it to end like this and not the other part she raved about.
The cool air rushed past me when Syx walked the opposite way, towards the doorway. I glanced over my shoulder, with my heart still stinging, and shot daggers at his back, because he was so fucking harsh. Though he wasn't wrong because I needed a reality check, but he didn't have to say it like that. Syx's broad shoulders were wider than the door frame, but that didn't stop him from exiting.
"I need an answer in the morning Nyne," he called out, along with his heavy footsteps that carried him halfway.
No longer feeling his presence, I snatched my eyes away from the door as if he would appear back in the room with me and wiped the tears that continued to bravely cascade down my face, smearing my tinted foundation.
After getting myself together, I washed my makeup off and slid a swimsuit over my naked body before sliding out of my pajamas.
The sand was warm beneath my bare feet as I made my way down to the water's edge. The sky had turned gray while I'd been standing on the dock, heavy clouds rolling in from the horizon, but the birds were still out. There were seagulls circling overhead, and sandpipers darting along the shoreline. My grandma had taught me that birds didn't come out in the rain, that they knew to seek shelter. So, if the birds are still flying then I'm safe.
I spotted a piece of driftwood half-buried in the sand and pulled it free. The wood was smooth and weathered, perfect for what I needed to do. Kneeling down, I began to write in the sand. My hand moved carefully with finesse, in slow, deliberate strokes.
Nyne.
My name in cursive, the letters flowed and connected, claiming this moment and this decision as my own. I stared at it for a long moment, watching the way the shadows fell across the curves and loops of the letters.
Snatching my gaze away, the water removed it just as quick as I wrote it, creating a fade in the beige sand. Despite the gray sky, the water was inviting. I'd always loved swimming. When I was seven years old, I learned at the YMCA. During the summer, my mama paid for lessons. Since then, I'd been good at it. I've always enjoyed the feeling of being in the water and the way it held me. Right now, I needed that feeling. I needed to be held by something that wouldn't judge me and wouldn't ask me to make impossible choices.
I walked into the water, getting my feet wet, before inching further. The coolness shocked my system, making me gasp, but I kept going until the water reached my waist, then my chest.Then I dove under, letting the ocean swallow me whole. The silence underwater was absolute and so peaceful, that I could see myself swimming for hours. I opened my eyes and saw nothing but murky blue-green and the sand stirred up by the incoming tide. Swimming deeper, my arms cut through the water with practiced ease, my legs kicking in steady rhythm. This was what I needed. I needed to feel my body working and the physical exertion to quiet the chaos in my mind.
Should I stay or should I go?
Syx's ultimatum ran through my head like a broken record. Each repetition made my chest feel tighter and my breathing harder. I surfaced, gasping for air and realized I'd swum farther out than I intended. The beach house looked small from here and the dock was barely visible. Then I felt a few drops of rain touch the sides of my face. They were heavy and cold. I got a glimpse at the sky and saw that the clouds had darkened considerably. The gray turned to charcoal and the birds were suddenly nowhere to be seen.
Immediately, I turned around and started swimming back. My strokes were strong and almost in a millisecond, I felt resistance. The tide had shifted and the current was pulling against me, pushing me back with each stroke forward, but I kicked harder, pulled faster, but it was like swimming through molasses. Now, the rain came harder, pelting the surface of the water, making it difficult to see. Thunder began to rumble in the distance, low and ominous.
Still, I pushed myself harder and harder, so hard I could feel my muscles burning and my lungs screaming for air. No matter how hard I pushed, the tide was relentless, growing heavier with each passing second. For every three strokes forward, I was pushed back two. The shore didn't seem to be getting any closer.
Another crack of thunder frightened me. This one was much louder and felt closer. Now the sky had turned an ugly greenish-black. It was the kind of color that meant serious weather was coming. The waves were getting bigger, choppier, slapping me against the face and filling my mouth with salt water. Panic started to creep in, relentless and evil, feeling cold and sharp in my chest too.
The thought of dying like this hit me with absolute clarity, cutting through the panic like a knife. This isn't what I planned and God knows I don't deserve to die like this. So, I kept swimming, determined to turn over my fate, even though my body was screaming at me to stop. The rain was coming down in sheets now and the thunder was constant. The lightning flashed so bright it hurt my eyes. Massively, the waves were lifting me up and slamming me down as I struggled to breathe.
